Stuck

July 21, 2014

It’s all about being better than every1 else there. Paraphrasing the man Ivan Johnson, i’mma fk any1 that is in front of me. The only difference is he gon do it by scoring more, rebounding more and playing better defense. And I’m gonna do it the nerdy way like solving ridic Maths puzzles, rock interviews, and know how to do all the little programming challenges.

I’m still in the CompSci and I think this is it. Technology isn’t going anywhere and the more I know I realize that this is gonna be a long time coming minus the rhymes. I’ve been practicing hard. I’ve been seeing the words Google, Amazon, and Microsoft everywhere I go. What did I do today that will get me into one of these companies as a software dude and make close to 6 figures?

It’s been those words that I’ve been losing mind lately. No wonder Bill Gates determines a person’s aptitude by the number of times he yells “fuck”. I’ve never swore as much lately as before I almost thought I was reciting lines from a Tarantino script. The reason why I’ve been losing mind is because from the second I get out of my bed, all I’ve been doing is cramming computer-related stuff. I take algorithm online courses, I read about the software books, maths homework i assigned for myself, and finally random programming projects or challenges. I don’t do anything else. I love computer science but only on an occasional basis. I live everyday like it’s my last… day before a finals exam. I’m killing myself please.

Would a skydiver in the moment without a parachute given the opportunity really swap places with me where I am right now?

I used to have weird detailed dreams that used to be wacky and actually kinda interesting if you read some of my older posts but the day ago I literally was dreaming about doing the intro stats Bayes theorem LOL. The posterior probability is the prior event possibility times the conditional probability.

The worst part is I don’t know if this will change even if by chance I do get a big4 internship. School starts in a week. Sacrifices and migraines will be endured in exchange for a perfect GPA – a number on a paper so random strangers can judge you.

Are we human or are we dancer?

Checkpoint

June 21, 2014

I just realized this is my first post of 2014 and if not now than later it’ll probably be the first time for this blog that I missed a post in a year.

Lots of reasons why I haven’t been posting. I’m working on learning to do them computers. I’m too busy hating on the higher school life. But the last one is I’m scared. I’m scared that my writing is gonna be bad. But the worst part is like I already know it’s bad.

OK, I’ve been working on this paragraph for like half an hour and I just kept on typing and deleting because everything I do now is just kinda of conventional or aka boring. Just school, and sleep. I’ve fallen into society’s trap, I hope a Microsoft or Google internship can save me if they even can.

Of course I’m at home so I can say comfortably like I’m waiting to die. But what if I was on that plane or any plane that forgot how to fly. I’m not sure if I would be able to say the same thing then or will I freak the fuck out and change my mind? I do know to remember to close my eyes, because I don’t want to see how I die.

So it’s called a checkpoint because I’m halfway there through my years in higher school. One and a half year down, another one and a half year to go. This post really sucks, but it’s nice to provide some perspective on now and then. I’ve lost my energy, hopefully I don’t lose my faith anytime soon.

wannabe

November 23, 2013

That’s what I am right now. A wannabe. I’m studying computer science in higher school right now and I don’t like it just like almost everything else that doesn’t make you fat. I don’t call it university cuz it sounds kinda pretentious in a way (I guess it’s mostly the people) and it it’s actually just school. It’s miserable. It comes after high school so I call it higher school but it’s not the highest school so it actually makes sense.

Remember when I said I was going into poker? Or door-to-door selling or finance and now this. I hate myself.

Anyways, I decided to go into this profession because it’s supposedly high in demand and it should make my life easier if I do anywhere decent. Also, all the rich people are computer scientist like Bill gates, the google duo and mark zuckerberg. They are all multi-billionaires. I just thought I don’t even need to do that much. If I just apply 1% or even less of what they’ve done, I can be a millionaire and slightly more. See? Logic and math; I’m definitely on my way to becoming a computer science nerd. I know because I was trying to do close stance weighted push ups for my awesome triceps, but my glasses kept getting thicker and I wanted to add watching Star Trek as a hobby on my online dating profile.

I don’t have much else to say. I’m pretty much just cruisin through higher school. The hardships don’t really last that long. Insert sexual joke here.

I used to end all my writing with the power of positivity. Although it went well, but it’s not the only recipe. Now I also believe in faith. Hope you guys all have faith. You can find faith anywhere and that’s so amazing but you have to try. Be positive, have faith and hope you all do well cheers.

 

change

November 22, 2013

yo i haven’t written something real for a long while. Like I’m looking at this front page and it’s just me trying way too hard pretending like I’m some kind of faggot good at literary fiction and it’s like sigh dude. It’s not bad but you can tell it’s kinda forced.

but I keep reading because I actually like the stuff i’ve written and used to write. the stuff earlier is funny and i’m like how did I come up with that and then it actually hit me that I don’t think I’ll ever write the same way I used to. I’ve changed. those years passed by are a long time. 

things and people change. for the past year i’ve tried my best not to let myself drive because i always get these weird impulses and huge rush of feeling to randomly swerve into oncoming trafic like some kind of near-fatal accident is gon make me reconsider life and change my perspective forever lol.

and now i keep getting all these weird feelings that I can’t describe. i’m becoming one of those sensitive loser assholes. all i do is talk about my feelings lmfao. i need some1 to save me before i turn into a half black half jewish rap artist. 

time

November 6, 2013

there was this time of my life where I was a door-to-door sales person trying to get people to sign up for charities for monthly donations. i’ve had people yell at me, interrogated, and every once in a while offered a glass of water. but the most memorable of them all that i really took to heart was about this child i met.

knocking on an empty house, when the car turns into the drive way. the family’s been outside shopping and carrying the items back with them. I try to give them my annoying sales pitch telling them about starving children around the world and hope they give me their credit card information.

it doesn’t work cuz i suck but as I move onto the next house, this maybe 10-13 (side note: sry, really not good with ages) year old girl came up to me and started talking to me. isn’t it funny how you get all cynical when an adult or someone else starts talking to you, you start asking yourself stuff like “why are they talking to me” and “what do they want”, but when a child does you don’t even think. it wasn’t a while and suddenly we’re sitting on the stairs of the front porch of the house talking.

she asks me questions like where I’m from and how old I am. being a numbnut in social interaction i stumble with conversation topics to talk about with a 13 year old. i feel more comfortable answering questions about my profile. i was 21 and i had to have a 13 year old girl take the lead. i hope i die alone.

i don’t really remember most of the conversation until the part where I ask her what grade she was and then she started talking about going into middle/high school (dont remember this detail either sry) and how her friends aren’t going to be together. she feels like they’re all changing and making other friends. then she also starts talking about how the other girls tease and make fun of her aka bullying but she doesn’t really use the word.  she tells me she’s scared and asks me for advice and help.

now i think about it i think its kind of endearing and charming of her. its endearing because i know how hard it is to actually open up to anyone. not even teachers, counsellors or even my parents, although I think it’s more common to not talk to parents being the way it is. we’ve known each other for a short moment, but she already thinks she can trust me or maybe she’s just ridiculously naive, who knows. i also thought it was charming/flattering because she’s asking me for help for something so close and personal to her and I’m supposed to be a hero and save her or something.

it was just regret that i was and still am in no position to help anyone or even myself. i was lost myself. i flunked half of my subjects in high school. missed out on university and friends and i just gave up my dream of becoming a professional poker player for that tiny desperate hope that I can somehow turn my life around. instead i join some pyramid schemed company as a door-to-door salesman job because i was depressed and lost a bunch of money for the past few weeks. but i don’t tell her any of this.

my memory serves me a picture of greenish-eyed paired with suntanned skin looking up at me for an answer while i can’t find a response. so i be lame and let out one of those silly half sighs half chuckles. i could feel my heart squeeze a little. she was the one asking me for help, yet I’m the one feeling helpless.

an awkward silent moment passes. i tell her that i’m sorry i don’t know what to tell her. maybe it’ll get better when middle/high school gets over. i have to move onto the next house but at that time i wish i could’ve stay forever or even just a tiny bit longer. she says goodbye and i say goodbye too. as i walk out of the drive way and hope things turn out well for her, i look back and she’s still sitting there looking at me, she gives one last wave for the road.

its been 3 years now (24y.o.) since I write this, i don’t know why but this scene has been replaying quite a bit recently. the worst part is that even if I met her again this time of my life I still wouldn’t be able to give her an appropriate answer much less a perfect one. but i don’t know if it’s because of this encounter or i’m slightly more mature and grown up or both, but i always attempt to and remind myself to be more open and honest with people and myself nowadays and it has really improved the way things are/were. whereas i used to keep everything to myself. every once in a while I remember this exchange, I can only hope she’s happy in her life right now and found the help she’s wanted, because she’s given me one i didn’t know i needed.

another scifi story

June 24, 2013

i like this story, but it seems rly unoriginal i dunno where i got it from. maybe water world? maybe nausicaa valley of the wind?

its set in the post-apocalyptic world where the world has become too contaminated and overtime our human genes have become polluted as well. People are all born with some sort of birth defect that make them in some way disabled or freakish like some people would be missing or having an extra arm, some might have an extra eye. Basically just stuff that are a nuisance compared to what people used to be.

Technology has been prioritized to neutralizing these defects that cause human inconvenience so the people appearances will be like lots of gadgets and half machine half human. Resources are very limited so there’s always very high competition for it.

There are 3 main groups in the story. Theres’ 2 main forces that clash against each other because of holding different idealism on how the world should be and there’s 1 neutral force that just wants to live quietly and peacefully.

The plot is that a small fisherman’s family fishing for metals/organic substances in the sea and instead of getting what they’re looking for, they find a “perfect” intact human from the past encased in ice. They melt the ice and become friends with the “perfect” human. The human learns about what has happened to the Earth and becomes saddened by it. And this is sort of like the perfect time to send a sustainability or environmental message to the readers or something like that.

Unfortunately, the news breaks out about the existence of the “perfect” human from an accidental encounter from a traveller/ambassadr/etc from the 2 main forces and of course a war breaks out. The fisher’s family tries to protect/rescue and the 2 main forces try to fight for the perfect human’s genes to change their current defective DNA.

In the end, the perfect human dies in the midst of the war. The scene shows countless of dead bodies laying across the desert-like horizon and the fisherman’s family member find the body laying on the ground. With tears, he/she slowly caresses the body. They don’t care about the genes. They only care about the time/friendship spent together. The body has become contaminated within the war and is no longer usable for DNA practice. Until the perfect human hears sounds of crying and with his last breath, he slowly reaches into his pockets and grabs a small container with a piece of hair. Everyone nearby is in shock. And then the story/movie slowly ends and fades with open interpretations. Did they destroy the hair or did they use it to save the human race?

The end

this dream

February 18, 2013

can only remember the part where i get stung by a poison spider on my palm(or any other kind of bug but i remember calling it a spider in my dreams)

my hand starts to burn and my feet too its super painful

i yell for help but i don’t get a response and the background chatter just continues casually

i yell again but then i see myself in third person. everything is black but somehow I know i know i’m in my own mind/head.  so it’s like an out of body experience and i can see myself laying unconscious on the floor from that spiderbite.

i realize this fact and instead I just frantically try to tell myself to wake up so I can get help and people can hear me..

so i literally wake up as opposed to waking up in the dream and i realize everything was just a dream

i go like “woah” like keanu reeves’s first movie ted and bill (i know.. probably not his first movie and it’s not called ted and bill)

lesson:dont go to sleep on a full stomach

Prince of the clouds

December 22, 2012

The Prince of Clouds was as kind and gentle as kind and gentle could be. As status of prince, he was to become the king of the clouds one day and no disrespect to the current king who’s doing a really great job but everyone looked forward to the day the prince would become king of the clouds.

Everyday, the Prince of Clouds would read and learn about how to manage the cloud kingdom and help the clouds lead to a better life. However, the prince had one secret. Once in a while, he would travel to the forbidden area. The area was the edge of the clouds. From the edge, the land and the ever-changing colour of the horizon could be seen. It was always the favourite place for the Prince to hang out and look. He would daydream and overlook the entirely new foreign place called the Land.

There was one particular subject that the prince of the clouds loved to study. John was a single father who held two jobs while studying part-time and taking care of the son and daughter. The prince noticed the care and love the father has shown. A thousand miles between the cloud and the land still did not deter the prince’s attention for detail.

As usual, the prince would sneak into the forbidden area and be just another daily observant. There is a reason why it’s called the forbidden area. Next to the edge always means the presence of the danger of falling. The temperature of the area started dropping gradually and a cold breeze sweeped by the area the prince was staying. The clouds crumbled piece by piece and without mercy took the Prince of Clouds with them. Pieces of clouds fell one by one and it was finally the prince’s turn.

The sound of the wind from falling whispers past the Prince seems to mourn for his imminent death. It goes “whoosh whoosh” exactly just like the Prince imagined what a crying wind what sound like. “If I may make a final wish…” says the Prince as he was about to collide against the rooftop.

Splash! The prince hits the rooftop and is shattered to a thousand pieces.

And I don’t exactly know how to write the following sequences.. but what happens is that the prince’s remains somehow continues the journey along the rest of the rain and enters the complex system that filters rainwater into sink/tap water. John the single Dad goes like “Ow” cause he burned himself while cooking breakfast/cookies whatever for his two kids and turns on the tap to soothe the scolded finger/hand with the running water which happens to be the last of the everloving, gentle and kind Prince of the Clouds.

Jane’s discovery

December 17, 2012

Jane lives in the world of computers. Sometimes she travels in-between the world we live in to learn and experience the daily things we call normal, but inside the static and un-bendable rules of computer is where she feels most comfortable.

Jane doesn’t mind spending most of her time at the computer. It may seem strange to outsiders but for those do know including Jane herself, the internet can be as big as the galaxy. It is a place where the border and the corners can be explored but to reach the realm is never-ending. When people ask Jane “How old are computers” or “How old is the internet”? The history books and encyclopedia states these things were only a recent invention. Maybe computers date all the way back somewhere to 1800′s but the internet only caught attention during the past 2 decades.

Only two decades old but the internet has developed so quickly from when it first began. Jane questions the speed of the development compared to life and the world itself. It’s progression is shocking when put into perspective. How did it all happen so fast? Are people, the creators of the internet just much more smarter than the creators of the world itself? But Jane sees it differently. Jane knows that the complexity of both creation is not a constant variable. Impatience is the key in difference.

People are impatient. Lost in the present state of mind, people are always looking forward to something in the future. Anticipation causes anxiety and stress. Constantly creating more “efficient” solutions, the society tells people to live their lives to be happy and to the fullest. When Jane was born, the meaning of life has been asked, but the mission to be happy all seems to be false encouragement and engineered by people as a lie.

Jane calculates the number of lives that appear to be infinite. The connection between is thin and far but it is most definitely existent. The galaxy is one big network like the internet. Everyone is a part of the cycle. Everyone plays a role. In that perspective Jane concludes that the meaning of life means to contribute to the chain that connects the different worlds together. It may seem insignificant but it is essential.

a little idea for a sci-fi manga/novel

December 12, 2012

The story sets on another planet maybe called Greentonia. The beings who live on the planet are mixed half plant half human. They have evolved so they enjoy advantages of both sides of the organism such as living longer, photosynthesis etc etc.

There is one human teenager called Clint that lives on the planet. He’s adopted and saved but he accepts Greentonia as his faithful home and is loyal to his family. He also has a childhood best friend but suddenly left him since one particular incident that will be explained later in the plot. The human teenager probably has some sort of skill hat he excels at such as science or fighting or something so he can be useful.

One slow day, a space travelling car accidently crashes on Greentonia. Clint goes on to check out the commotion and finds out that the passenger is also human. Clint is surprised since he has never met another of the same kind and humans are quite rare. This encounter leads him to a lot of questions.

After exchanges with the other human, Clint finds out about his story of Earth. Earth was suffering from global warming and the apocalypse and the Earth was about to be destroyed. Clint’s parents are first-class scientists and were part of the government mission to save Earth. However, for some reason the expected date of Earth’s collapse has happened prematurely. Clint was still a baby back then and he was launched out into space in a pod similar to the story of Superman’s trip to Earth. That’s how the Greentonia citizens found Clint and adopted him.

As Clint goes on a journey with the other human to find out more about Earth. He discovers a secret galaxy elite bandit group called Python like the programming language.

Python was actually the ones responsible for causing planet Earth’s premature destruction. They travel from planet to planet destroying each ones to collect their unique hidden elements in order to create their secret project – a timeline manipulator. Clint and his new group of friends that he made along the journey tries to stop this bandit group and the finale the readers find out that Clint’s childhood best friend actually plays an important role in Python.

Will Clint and his friends succeed in stopping the galaxy’s strongest bandit group?


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