living my sleep deprived dream

December 17, 2014

i wake up at 5am and i get back at 7pm… then it’s dinner, random stuff and then its 10pm. I can’t keep awake past 10pm. 10am used to be early but if I go to sleep at this time now, I’m only getting 7 hours of sleep. It’s a big deal to me cuz I’m really hoping for something like 9.

But it’s ok because although sleep-deprived, I’m living my dream. Inside an air-conditioned cubicle, sitting in a chair that can turn into a recliner if I hold one of the leverages underneath. I have boosted my resume with this experience of mine and the company name. I have leveled up in this game of life. I shall go on and accept quests with higher difficulty and rewards. I guess sleeping on the train and bus is paying off pretty well. I mean I’m learning web development and stuff, I guess why am I still using WordPress then?

I can’t believe I’m starting to believe in myself again. I can’t believe I’m feeling ambitious. I used to let my fantasies get ahead of me. This time I won’t believe until I see. I will take advantage of the luck that has blessed me with a positive attitude and work hard while I feel uplifted because production reduces dramatically in a struggling environment.

Conclusion is I think I might be scared to die now.

citrus revenge

November 25, 2014

banana – “hi i’m banana, one of many of my people the bananas. i don’t have much to live for until i die and you can slice me into half and bury me next to the ice cream and make sure to cover me with chocolate sauce.

however, today is the start of the day where i must fulfill my new destiny to stop the oranges from taking over the world.”

moderation is key and the world lives in a balance of potassium and vitamin C.

vitamin c has always been water-soluble. this has allowed balance among the human’s body. but orange will make a difference.

orange -“dude. i’m going to change the world. how? i’m going to submit an article with a sensationalist title ‘top 10 shocking ways that vitamin c can change your body’. the article will go viral and everyone will eat so many oranges that banana demand will drop and no longer become a profitable commodity for farmers or supermarkets to sell.”

the time is clocking fast and hard at a constant rate. fortunately it is the weekend and buzzfeed editors only work on business days so banana has monday until orange’s plan come into fruition.

banana tried so hard and he tried so hard he almost started thinking he was a hollywood celebrity being interviewed on a late-night talk show. cuz u know those talentless losers always try to impress their audience/fans like they’re some kind of special snowflake.

but monday comes and over 6 figure unique visitors have already clicked on the article. bananas will soon become extinct. orange and his team are celebrating with champagne and wine but only a little bit because they want to be cautious in case they shift the balance of power to the grapes.

the world is becoming a place devoid of scurvy. the bananas have secluded themselves into a secret place to research to beat the oranges once and for all. they finally come up with a plan but here comes an intense dialogue between the lead banana researcher and the junior banana researchers.

junior – “It’ll never work! the new bananas are too chemical heavy in preservatives!”

lead – “We’ll have to take a leap of faith. We can’t be living our lives like this forever! plus i have an idea…”

so they ship the new improved bananas into the market. the bananas are in supermarkets with the same expensive prices but this time shoppers are starting to buy them in the bulk. the preservatives have helped extended the banana’s ripeness stage. it no longer has that sudden overripe effect. but the excess chemicals in the preservatives have started to accumulate in the consumers and slowly one by one humans are beginning to feel the side effect and die.

for some reason, the shoppers are still buying them despite all the warning signs. what has happened?

lead – “You can thank the banana marketing department! We put gluten-free labels on all the banana stickers!”

a different kind of high

November 22, 2014

this isn’t the same high as smoking weed. smoking that stuff heightens your senses but makes your brain dumb. you know what else is actually incredible similar. being sleepy and trying to stay awake. lol. u’re so tired and dumb and it just feels really high or was it because i used to be sleepy when i used to get high and now i’m associating it the two feeling together?

i have it… my dream summer job for the year but why do i still feel lost. anxious that i will behind my peers in a similar position and anxious that i won’t be able to show up for the job the way i want to. how does it feel to be a #1 draft pick then repeatedly being called a bust by everyone in the world? public eyes aren’t on me and the job hasn’t even started but i already feel demoralized by these thoughts.

did i say this before in my previous post? if i had a genie lamp, i’d wish for everything to be okay. but what does that even mean? i just want everything to be okay and everything to be fine. what would the genie do? i guess it rly depends on who the genie is then…

i noticed lately that everytime when i get stressed i bite or clench my jaws. i kno cuz my teeth gets this weird a lil fuzzy sensation the same kind that when you drink coca cola or pepsi. my jaws also kinda feel tired. what if i achieved a state of mind where nothing would ever cause stress and my motivation was no longer pushed by pressure or anything around me. but i would keep on doing harder than other ppl. in a futuristic yet feudal world, the one with the number one headband who kills and owns all subsequent numbers achieve god but in the real modern world, to achieve to god is to no longer feel because that means that means you are literally invincible from your own frame/perspective since nothing affects you anymore.

semester review

November 17, 2014

i think i failed all my subjects. i was doing a part-time load too. but this was by far the poorest performance by me in all the semesters i’ve taken so far. i guess i’ll just have to retake everything next year. it does hurt a lot emotionally and mentally though repeating another year and having failed grades on your academic transcript when it’s almost like compulsory every time you send in a job application.

i do have excuses tho. random stuff happened that i don’t want to talk about that made me lose motivation and all those crazy interviews too.

if u have dreams about interviews, u can put that down as a nightmare. “mr krueger, why do you want to work for this company?” the hiring manager would ask. altho stressful, its even more stressful if u know u’re not a strong candidate.

remember what jesus said in that y2k south park ep, i’m just paraphrasing here tho – “god can’t give u all the answers because life is about problems and overcoming these problems.” he just forgot to mention that sometimes these problems are near to fk impossible and it makes u rly rely really sad.

everything i do it seems like i do it for others, society, parents, friends and all the people around you. the day i take off my clothes and swim in blue water and dance to linkin park is when i know i’m free and safe because i know no one is there to judge me anymore.

who the fk is writing my life story?

November 13, 2014

Three or 4 months ago i legit woulda cried if I got a summer programming job at a big recognizable company. like broke down and maybe even had my perspective and heart changed forever like having my parents getting killed by a robber at the back alley after a broadway show. i woulda been on track to do all the things that would lead me to the magical word of “success”.

then 40 rejection e-mails letter and failing expectations of school grades i just want to get away. i desperately need a break and leave this place. a place where doing homework is just a distant memory. it sucks being an avg student. actually it prob sucks being avg at all. school needs to teach us the dangers of what its like being avg.

i got it tho. a summer programming job at a big recognizable company. just when i gave up on the thought of the cubicle life. but i’m too tired. but i can’t give up this opportunity cuz i’m too avg to be giving up such experience to give me that little advantage boost over my peers in this world.

something i wanted the most turned out to be something i’m not sure i rly want at all now. holy fking shit please… i wish i could fall asleep for like a week or something

oh yea btw i’m totally supportin feminism. i don’t mind suffering a lil oppression i don’t mind having the gender roles reversed at all. women can take all the jobs from men they want. my dream is now to be a stay at home dad married to a cute girl with a middle class occupation who hopefully isn’t a feminist.

an idea for a (gay) movie/book

November 9, 2014

two computer scientists or software engineers. both in their mid twenties. one of them is a virgin that almost got laid but blew the opportunity and the other one just broke up with his girlfriend. they’re both sad and we’re been shown the typical eating/talking scene where they complain about each other’s lives. they decide to man up and go out and try harder at the dating world.

montage – going out with different girls but failing for various different reasons like horoscope compatibility, attractiveness issues or sometimes too nerdy

cut to the eating/talking scene again. they  give up on the dating scene and start talking about alternatives. one of them maybe the virgin jokes about turning gay and being life partners for each other.

“But Bill dude, is homosexuality really a choice? I’m not romantically attracted to you. We can have like bromances and stuff but turning gay just because we suck at getting laid is just weird man.”

“Yeah Good point Steve.  Fuck man if only we could really choose our sexual orientation like a video game option or character creation attribute… Holy shit! What about a software that could help you make these life choices?!”

Celebration scene and references to computer science terminology in the dialogue how they would develop the software. Like Bill would be “omg dude we should totally use Erlang it worked wonders in scalability for WhatsApp I knew reading that Erlang book on my 8 hour flight back home for Christmas would be worth it.

The software is no longer in the beta stage and it is doing great to help people shift their sexual orientation. They become focused and mature and the bond between their “friendship” becomes even stronger through their time together working at a startup. One day an accidental encounter with a girl, they realized they now had better social skills and one of them even got the girl’s number. They go back into the dating world and even become successful. Steve is happy but Bill doesn’t seem to embrace his new situation. After some sense of struggle, he realized he has fallen in love with Steve. After some hesitation, he decides to confront Steve about it. Steve rejects the proposal and idea at first but eventually goes through the standard cliche emotional obstacles and finally realizes he also has the same feelings.

It was the heart all along they concluded, not some stupid advanced software that really made them together and what they were. They lost their passion and conviction for their software. The co-founders then sold their software to OKCupid/Eharmony or whatever big dating company for 1.8 billion dollars and lived happily ever after.

real expectations

November 4, 2014

i think im starting to understand why james altucher emphasizes so much on having life as being a theme rather than goal and expectations. the satisfaction of goal and reaching expectations only lasts the fleeting moment u achieve it. the rest of the process of trying to achieve that goal is misery and hard-work. i guess if u’re super into being a soldier then I guess u can take the difficult route. also what if you don’t reach the goal? the entire start to end was never fun but i’m guessing i’m kinda being results oriented here since u did acquire experiences and u stuff.

all those self-help books – i always thought they sucked. always danced around the topic but rarely listed the specifics of what you should do. its been 2 and more years and i have to admit that i’m a mediocre and probably even below average student. i’ve had expectations to do more and i just continue to disappoint myself. OR am I actually disappointing the people around me and were my expectations actually set by society? Because everytime I ask myself what I want to do or what I want to be or what my future looks like… I don’t actually rly want anything. I dunno…

so anyways basically a theme is like little things you make yourself do very simple stuff almost like mini goals but goals are taboo in this new modern self-help world created by james altucher. i guess i could spend like 15min studying hardcore like real intense and slowly extend the time. I hate this cliche.

if i did have 10 million dollars, why do I want 10 million dollars?

i have this picture in my head or rather a gif if it could be posted on the internet that I would give away 9 million dollars to my uncle and aunt and my relatives and maybe my parents if I’m feeling generous. then I’d use 1 million dollars for my daily expenses like food and internet plan. i don’t want a big house or more money or an island. the only condition is that I want to give the 10 million dollars to my relatives before they pass away.

right now, there’s no WAY in hell i can make 10 million dollars being as mediocre i am right now. i’ve been brainwashed by motivation seminars and books and speeches and articles and media and past quotes from successful people that almost anything is possible. are they liars or am I just unable?

i’m adding this last sentence here because i don’t want to end my posts with a question. but i don’t want to play this first person view reality life on earth simulation video game anymore. (or keep on sucking at it yeah that works too).

the new embedded systems

November 3, 2014

embedded computer systems in the future will be biological. there will still be computers but only for graphical and visually purpose. what i mean is our computers will be tiny sizes and embedded into our brain. the computer will no longer process all the 2 bit information and have it displayed into a matrix and onto the light cartesian plane. instead, the computer will interact with our brain. anything we remember will be stored in the cloud. we just need to mentally access the information needed and the servers will return the details and our embedded computer chip will translate into like brain waves and stuff so we can digest it and understand it and u know stuff. every1 will be just as knowledgeable as every1 else.

summer lemon water

November 2, 2014

i’ve been drinking lemon water on a empty stomach lately. the internet told me that there are like more ways to benefit you than things that i hate about you if i were heath ledger in high school. stuff they say are like it cleanses your system, it helps prevent bad breath and even give u

i’ve been preparing my lemon water by slicing a lemon slice and soaking it in water… just in case i wasn’t doing it properly

semester is almost over and it’s summer in november/december in Australia. i don’t think i landed a summer job even though i’ve started looking since june/july. i sent out near legit 60-70 applications. i’ve only got about 5 interviews so the rest were either no responses or rejections. the rejections really take a toll on you. the first couple is like motivation. u’re like fk yeah atleast i’m getting responses i just keep putting it out there. but the 40th rejection e-mail just starts to make you wonder if you’ll ever be good enough for anything. if i could i would accept an offer to become a full-time employee at mcdonalds cooking fries and burgers for pimply-faced teenagers and fat people.

so i really thought i was gon be pretending to work in front of a computer but that opportunity is officially out the window. so I’ve got to come up with another plan or just rly rest myself because honestly I’ve been fatigued out by this depression of mine and all the homework i hate.

the perfect summer


in a world of no constraints, how would i spend my summer in a time of approx 3 months?

honestly i don’t know. maybe i’ll let fate decide. but not the same fate defined in the dictionary.

what is fate? fate is when you let the world make the decision for you. maybe one day in the end, i won’t need the things that society tells me I need to be happy. actually i think i know. i want to give up trying and i just want to go back to cruise control. cruise control is the key to maintaining a positive attitude. no expectations means no disappointment.

i’ll do no evil and i’ll do convenient good. this is how i’ll live my life right now it is the easiest way. it sounds good but hopefully i’ll remember it cuz it is insane how quick one person’s heart can change and shaped by all the new experience. when are you being stubborn and when are you staying true to yourself? when are you adapting to the new environment and when are you actually being a forgetter and flaking out on your beliefs?

into the south park

October 30, 2014

it’s just like christopher mccandles and alaska but south park style. Into the wild is my favourite movie and ive been watching a lot of south park lately and they’ve really brought out the best of NIke’s logo just do it. in real life, most people would just talk about it and but they would never just do it. thats why I think self help books are stupid because they all talk around the topic but they never do it. however in South park everytime someone has an idea, they just do it. but whats stopping us from executing what 8 year olds do in South park every episode?

it’s because that in real life we have to suffer from consequences that last with us. I kind of want to quote the fight club line from the previous post but I don’t like continuity and repetetiveness. so if an idea came and visited and introduced itself in a pleasing manner, it would be a great first impression and I’d really like it. if it had a booty like Jlo, I’d probably fall in love with the idea but that would be dangerous.

so really, if I could just do it and not think about the consequences, what should I do or what would I do? I’m legitimately thinking i’m suffering from clinical depression, I wish I could get out of this state of mind.


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