Different/Escape

October 15, 2014

not gonna lie, life can be difficult as shit for some people but ez as fk for others. u can call it unfair and it sounds like you’re bitter I’m bitter but I i also don’t want to show it so I’ll just write it down as different.

Saw this old man with no clothes man and beer gut mowing his lawn in a sunny afternoon. His lawn was so well kept porn stars should get their vaginas trimmed by this dude. Pretty productive work anyways and going back for a cold beer and watching his local city ball team win a sports game. Pretty sick life… almost.

Then I thought about rich faggots in expensive clothes living in houses that require a fking map to navigate from their bedroom to the kitchen. They take private jets to 5 different cities snorting drugs that cost more than a car and fking a different ethnicity men/women from countries I haven’t even heard of. But really… is it better or did society shape the definition what better and what successful is?

So how can life be so different for different people? Is it just different or can I finally call it unfair? There are tons of inspiration quotes from successful people out there who are like you can do anything as long as you blah blah blah whatever. But I wanna know like did those successful people really become what they really wanted to be. It’s like proving that if there exists a smallest rational number. Assume there’s a smallest rational number but you can always divide it by 2 and get an even smaller rational number. If you can be whatever you want to be, why wouldn’t you be better than where you are right now? Like did they just put in effort into life and somehow ended up in a really content and satisfying situation where they forgot to question themselves what they really wanted in the first place so they just called it quits or done aka successful.

Been asking a lot of questions lately which leads to the one of the biggest mysteries of life. I don’t mean the existence of Atlantis, superbeing characters from bibles or bigfoot/ghosts/aliens. I mean why did Robin Williams kill himself? It’s just so puzzling the history channel would do a documentary on him sooner or later. I’m also looking for an escape myself. But I know the emergency exit is a stairwell with a opening bar on a door not the window of whatever current floor you’re on.

Waiting

October 15, 2014

I’m waiting for something. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do but I’m not sure what other options I have. Society says once you’re over 21 you’re an adult and adults know how to make decisions for themselves. I’m in a slump. A similar slump like that stupid Jew in the first season of his police TV show. I don’t know why my first instinct was to call Andy Samberg stupid I guess watching too much South Park eventually takes a toll on you.

I haven’t been doing well at this game called life. School results haven’t been the way I expected. I’ve been repeatedly rejected from job interviews and applications. I can’t believe I actually thought it was going to be easy but now if I had a genie lamp I would seriously struggle on a decision whether to wish for a lame 9 to 5 job or live in a land of coconuts where every girl looks like Avril Lavigne. Instead, I would fantasize everyday going to work and sitting in the front of the computer and do tasks that I don’t want to do. It’s kind of sad. You can fantasize about anything your imaginations allow you to and I dream of being in an air-conditioned cubicle… There’s also a reason I haven’t been writing often lately. Everything I write just doesn’t feel the same anymore. There’s time to change but there’s also time where you need to keep the things that are important to you.

So I’m just waiting at the moment. Maybe this time in my nightmare when the first person view of being in a vehicle driving off a cliff I won’t wake up before I hit the ground.

This post sucked. Hopefully I’ll find my flow back.

Stuck

July 21, 2014

It’s all about being better than every1 else there. Paraphrasing the man Ivan Johnson, i’mma fk any1 that is in front of me. The only difference is he gon do it by scoring more, rebounding more and playing better defense. And I’m gonna do it the nerdy way like solving ridic Maths puzzles, rock interviews, and know how to do all the little programming challenges.

I’m still in the CompSci and I think this is it. Technology isn’t going anywhere and the more I know I realize that this is gonna be a long time coming minus the rhymes. I’ve been practicing hard. I’ve been seeing the words Google, Amazon, and Microsoft everywhere I go. What did I do today that will get me into one of these companies as a software dude and make close to 6 figures?

It’s been those words that I’ve been losing mind lately. No wonder Bill Gates determines a person’s aptitude by the number of times he yells “fuck”. I’ve never swore as much lately as before I almost thought I was reciting lines from a Tarantino script. The reason why I’ve been losing mind is because from the second I get out of my bed, all I’ve been doing is cramming computer-related stuff. I take algorithm online courses, I read about the software books, maths homework i assigned for myself, and finally random programming projects or challenges. I don’t do anything else. I love computer science but only on an occasional basis. I live everyday like it’s my last… day before a finals exam. I’m killing myself please.

Would a skydiver in the moment without a parachute given the opportunity really swap places with me where I am right now?

I used to have weird detailed dreams that used to be wacky and actually kinda interesting if you read some of my older posts but the day ago I literally was dreaming about doing the intro stats Bayes theorem LOL. The posterior probability is the prior event possibility times the conditional probability.

The worst part is I don’t know if this will change even if by chance I do get a big4 internship. School starts in a week. Sacrifices and migraines will be endured in exchange for a perfect GPA – a number on a paper so random strangers can judge you.

Are we human or are we dancer?

Checkpoint

June 21, 2014

I just realized this is my first post of 2014 and if not now than later it’ll probably be the first time for this blog that I missed a post in a year.

Lots of reasons why I haven’t been posting. I’m working on learning to do them computers. I’m too busy hating on the higher school life. But the last one is I’m scared. I’m scared that my writing is gonna be bad. But the worst part is like I already know it’s bad.

OK, I’ve been working on this paragraph for like half an hour and I just kept on typing and deleting because everything I do now is just kinda of conventional or aka boring. Just school, and sleep. I’ve fallen into society’s trap, I hope a Microsoft or Google internship can save me if they even can.

Of course I’m at home so I can say comfortably like I’m waiting to die. But what if I was on that plane or any plane that forgot how to fly. I’m not sure if I would be able to say the same thing then or will I freak the fuck out and change my mind? I do know to remember to close my eyes, because I don’t want to see how I die.

So it’s called a checkpoint because I’m halfway there through my years in higher school. One and a half year down, another one and a half year to go. This post really sucks, but it’s nice to provide some perspective on now and then. I’ve lost my energy, hopefully I don’t lose my faith anytime soon.

wannabe

November 23, 2013

That’s what I am right now. A wannabe. I’m studying computer science in higher school right now and I don’t like it just like almost everything else that doesn’t make you fat. I don’t call it university cuz it sounds kinda pretentious in a way (I guess it’s mostly the people) and it it’s actually just school. It’s miserable. It comes after high school so I call it higher school but it’s not the highest school so it actually makes sense.

Remember when I said I was going into poker? Or door-to-door selling or finance and now this. I hate myself.

Anyways, I decided to go into this profession because it’s supposedly high in demand and it should make my life easier if I do anywhere decent. Also, all the rich people are computer scientist like Bill gates, the google duo and mark zuckerberg. They are all multi-billionaires. I just thought I don’t even need to do that much. If I just apply 1% or even less of what they’ve done, I can be a millionaire and slightly more. See? Logic and math; I’m definitely on my way to becoming a computer science nerd. I know because I was trying to do close stance weighted push ups for my awesome triceps, but my glasses kept getting thicker and I wanted to add watching Star Trek as a hobby on my online dating profile.

I don’t have much else to say. I’m pretty much just cruisin through higher school. The hardships don’t really last that long. Insert sexual joke here.

I used to end all my writing with the power of positivity. Although it went well, but it’s not the only recipe. Now I also believe in faith. Hope you guys all have faith. You can find faith anywhere and that’s so amazing but you have to try. Be positive, have faith and hope you all do well cheers.

 

change

November 22, 2013

yo i haven’t written something real for a long while. Like I’m looking at this front page and it’s just me trying way too hard pretending like I’m some kind of faggot good at literary fiction and it’s like sigh dude. It’s not bad but you can tell it’s kinda forced.

but I keep reading because I actually like the stuff i’ve written and used to write. the stuff earlier is funny and i’m like how did I come up with that and then it actually hit me that I don’t think I’ll ever write the same way I used to. I’ve changed. those years passed by are a long time. 

things and people change. for the past year i’ve tried my best not to let myself drive because i always get these weird impulses and huge rush of feeling to randomly swerve into oncoming trafic like some kind of near-fatal accident is gon make me reconsider life and change my perspective forever lol.

and now i keep getting all these weird feelings that I can’t describe. i’m becoming one of those sensitive loser assholes. all i do is talk about my feelings lmfao. i need some1 to save me before i turn into a half black half jewish rap artist. 

time

November 6, 2013

there was this time of my life where I was a door-to-door sales person trying to get people to sign up for charities for monthly donations. i’ve had people yell at me, interrogated, and every once in a while offered a glass of water. but the most memorable of them all that i really took to heart was about this child i met.

knocking on an empty house, when the car turns into the drive way. the family’s been outside shopping and carrying the items back with them. I try to give them my annoying sales pitch telling them about starving children around the world and hope they give me their credit card information.

it doesn’t work cuz i suck but as I move onto the next house, this maybe 10-13 (side note: sry, really not good with ages) year old girl came up to me and started talking to me. isn’t it funny how you get all cynical when an adult or someone else starts talking to you, you start asking yourself stuff like “why are they talking to me” and “what do they want”, but when a child does you don’t even think. it wasn’t a while and suddenly we’re sitting on the stairs of the front porch of the house talking.

she asks me questions like where I’m from and how old I am. being a numbnut in social interaction i stumble with conversation topics to talk about with a 13 year old. i feel more comfortable answering questions about my profile. i was 21 and i had to have a 13 year old girl take the lead. i hope i die alone.

i don’t really remember most of the conversation until the part where I ask her what grade she was and then she started talking about going into middle/high school (dont remember this detail either sry) and how her friends aren’t going to be together. she feels like they’re all changing and making other friends. then she also starts talking about how the other girls tease and make fun of her aka bullying but she doesn’t really use the word.  she tells me she’s scared and asks me for advice and help.

now i think about it i think its kind of endearing and charming of her. its endearing because i know how hard it is to actually open up to anyone. not even teachers, counsellors or even my parents, although I think it’s more common to not talk to parents being the way it is. we’ve known each other for a short moment, but she already thinks she can trust me or maybe she’s just ridiculously naive, who knows. i also thought it was charming/flattering because she’s asking me for help for something so close and personal to her and I’m supposed to be a hero and save her or something.

it was just regret that i was and still am in no position to help anyone or even myself. i was lost myself. i flunked half of my subjects in high school. missed out on university and friends and i just gave up my dream of becoming a professional poker player for that tiny desperate hope that I can somehow turn my life around. instead i join some pyramid schemed company as a door-to-door salesman job because i was depressed and lost a bunch of money for the past few weeks. but i don’t tell her any of this.

my memory serves me a picture of greenish-eyed paired with suntanned skin looking up at me for an answer while i can’t find a response. so i be lame and let out one of those silly half sighs half chuckles. i could feel my heart squeeze a little. she was the one asking me for help, yet I’m the one feeling helpless.

an awkward silent moment passes. i tell her that i’m sorry i don’t know what to tell her. maybe it’ll get better when middle/high school gets over. i have to move onto the next house but at that time i wish i could’ve stay forever or even just a tiny bit longer. she says goodbye and i say goodbye too. as i walk out of the drive way and hope things turn out well for her, i look back and she’s still sitting there looking at me, she gives one last wave for the road.

its been 3 years now (24y.o.) since I write this, i don’t know why but this scene has been replaying quite a bit recently. the worst part is that even if I met her again this time of my life I still wouldn’t be able to give her an appropriate answer much less a perfect one. but i don’t know if it’s because of this encounter or i’m slightly more mature and grown up or both, but i always attempt to and remind myself to be more open and honest with people and myself nowadays and it has really improved the way things are/were. whereas i used to keep everything to myself. every once in a while I remember this exchange, I can only hope she’s happy in her life right now and found the help she’s wanted, because she’s given me one i didn’t know i needed.

another scifi story

June 24, 2013

i like this story, but it seems rly unoriginal i dunno where i got it from. maybe water world? maybe nausicaa valley of the wind?

its set in the post-apocalyptic world where the world has become too contaminated and overtime our human genes have become polluted as well. People are all born with some sort of birth defect that make them in some way disabled or freakish like some people would be missing or having an extra arm, some might have an extra eye. Basically just stuff that are a nuisance compared to what people used to be.

Technology has been prioritized to neutralizing these defects that cause human inconvenience so the people appearances will be like lots of gadgets and half machine half human. Resources are very limited so there’s always very high competition for it.

There are 3 main groups in the story. Theres’ 2 main forces that clash against each other because of holding different idealism on how the world should be and there’s 1 neutral force that just wants to live quietly and peacefully.

The plot is that a small fisherman’s family fishing for metals/organic substances in the sea and instead of getting what they’re looking for, they find a “perfect” intact human from the past encased in ice. They melt the ice and become friends with the “perfect” human. The human learns about what has happened to the Earth and becomes saddened by it. And this is sort of like the perfect time to send a sustainability or environmental message to the readers or something like that.

Unfortunately, the news breaks out about the existence of the “perfect” human from an accidental encounter from a traveller/ambassadr/etc from the 2 main forces and of course a war breaks out. The fisher’s family tries to protect/rescue and the 2 main forces try to fight for the perfect human’s genes to change their current defective DNA.

In the end, the perfect human dies in the midst of the war. The scene shows countless of dead bodies laying across the desert-like horizon and the fisherman’s family member find the body laying on the ground. With tears, he/she slowly caresses the body. They don’t care about the genes. They only care about the time/friendship spent together. The body has become contaminated within the war and is no longer usable for DNA practice. Until the perfect human hears sounds of crying and with his last breath, he slowly reaches into his pockets and grabs a small container with a piece of hair. Everyone nearby is in shock. And then the story/movie slowly ends and fades with open interpretations. Did they destroy the hair or did they use it to save the human race?

The end

this dream

February 18, 2013

can only remember the part where i get stung by a poison spider on my palm(or any other kind of bug but i remember calling it a spider in my dreams)

my hand starts to burn and my feet too its super painful

i yell for help but i don’t get a response and the background chatter just continues casually

i yell again but then i see myself in third person. everything is black but somehow I know i know i’m in my own mind/head.  so it’s like an out of body experience and i can see myself laying unconscious on the floor from that spiderbite.

i realize this fact and instead I just frantically try to tell myself to wake up so I can get help and people can hear me..

so i literally wake up as opposed to waking up in the dream and i realize everything was just a dream

i go like “woah” like keanu reeves’s first movie ted and bill (i know.. probably not his first movie and it’s not called ted and bill)

lesson:dont go to sleep on a full stomach

Prince of the clouds

December 22, 2012

The Prince of Clouds was as kind and gentle as kind and gentle could be. As status of prince, he was to become the king of the clouds one day and no disrespect to the current king who’s doing a really great job but everyone looked forward to the day the prince would become king of the clouds.

Everyday, the Prince of Clouds would read and learn about how to manage the cloud kingdom and help the clouds lead to a better life. However, the prince had one secret. Once in a while, he would travel to the forbidden area. The area was the edge of the clouds. From the edge, the land and the ever-changing colour of the horizon could be seen. It was always the favourite place for the Prince to hang out and look. He would daydream and overlook the entirely new foreign place called the Land.

There was one particular subject that the prince of the clouds loved to study. John was a single father who held two jobs while studying part-time and taking care of the son and daughter. The prince noticed the care and love the father has shown. A thousand miles between the cloud and the land still did not deter the prince’s attention for detail.

As usual, the prince would sneak into the forbidden area and be just another daily observant. There is a reason why it’s called the forbidden area. Next to the edge always means the presence of the danger of falling. The temperature of the area started dropping gradually and a cold breeze sweeped by the area the prince was staying. The clouds crumbled piece by piece and without mercy took the Prince of Clouds with them. Pieces of clouds fell one by one and it was finally the prince’s turn.

The sound of the wind from falling whispers past the Prince seems to mourn for his imminent death. It goes “whoosh whoosh” exactly just like the Prince imagined what a crying wind what sound like. “If I may make a final wish…” says the Prince as he was about to collide against the rooftop.

Splash! The prince hits the rooftop and is shattered to a thousand pieces.

And I don’t exactly know how to write the following sequences.. but what happens is that the prince’s remains somehow continues the journey along the rest of the rain and enters the complex system that filters rainwater into sink/tap water. John the single Dad goes like “Ow” cause he burned himself while cooking breakfast/cookies whatever for his two kids and turns on the tap to soothe the scolded finger/hand with the running water which happens to be the last of the everloving, gentle and kind Prince of the Clouds.


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