New post same content

January 5, 2016

New year same life.

This post is going to suck. I know it because I feel obligated to write a new post just because it’s for a new year. I’ve learned that the process of anything done under compulsion hardly will be built on positive genuine efforts.

It almost didn’t matter to me because I live everyday the same way. I didn’t do a lookback to 2015 nor make any resolutions for 2016 like everyone else. I didn’t feel like it was a fresh start when the fireworks started lighting up (actually though I didn’t watch it any of it lol). I hope all this means I’m content and becoming better at living in the present and being more mindful about my consciousness.

Some weird stuff was going on too. I just felt like I could feel energy the of the whole world becoming more peaceful and quiet because of the holiday atmospheres. I thought I’ve reached this pseudoscience-like state of being where I could feel things others can’t. Of course I’m an idiot because I realized there are other places in the world that don’t have the opportunity to celebrate and the quietness comes from less traffic because people don’t have to commute to work.

It’s been one month and a little more since last time I had to go to University. I just feel free after graduating. I’ve actually been taking online courses, studying past materials, and reading a lot more. It’s so much fun. Everyday it’s this grateful feeling, but at the same time I’m also a little scared too because I think this mood is quite fragile and when I’m at my moments where I’m down I might not be able to fight through.

I guess I’ll just have to let tomorrow me worry about tomorrow problems. Yeah, I watched all 12 episodes of one punch man in one day.

since graduation

December 12, 2015

I’ve been studying a lot lately. I started on the day I finished my last exam. To prepare myself for the real world and the job that has yet to come. I really wish I could call it a professional hobby, but right now I think I should just concern myself with the part of making other people think I’m good enough for the job.

This is really a post for future references. Actually all my posts are. Later on when I have other things going on, I don’t want to forget right now, at the end of 2015, I’m having a hard time catching my breath whenever I concentrate too intensely reading this book on algorithms by Thomas Cormen. If I ever find myself living in California one day, it’s all thanks to you Mr. Cormen. (And James Altucher and Salman Khan and all the teachers from the online courses I’m enrolled in)

I know blood flows to your brain to deliver oxygen and maybe even glucose because I’m mentally exercising. But the way my entire physical state changes just seems a bit too extreme. Is my spiritual body aligned with my mental body and my physical body or are they all just trade-offs?

I just read the above and it has a totally different vibe from what I expected from myself. I need to remember to always leave some room for positivity.



December 10, 2015

Some improvements I’ve seen I’ve made the past month

– Take more time understanding the question before answering
– I’m able to see options and approaches I wouldn’t have seen before
– I’m more unwilling to jump to the solution if I struggle
– Take more liberties with how the solution should be answered
– A lot more cynical about what I read

All this is nice but I still suck. That’s okay but the worst part is I don’t feel like I’m who I used to be anymore. Change is scary. I need to take a huge dose of positivity asap.

a thought

December 4, 2015

I asked myself a question a couple of days ago.

Why do I try so hard?


Maybe, it’s because I believe in myself.

saved by a wish from a shooting star

December 4, 2015

its summer now

the temperature is a lot warmer and sometimes its harder to fall asleep but the night skies are lot clearer

so i open the curtains and lay in bed and stare outside into space and hope i could spot a shooting star and maybe a rock falling through our planet’s atmosphere could grant me a wish to take me somewhere i won’t remember the past or can’t anticipate the future

at least i’m not greedy though like b.oh.b and hayley williams that i’d pretend that airplanes were shooting stars. i don’t think that’s how it works too! that’s not even wishing, that’s just wishful thinking

anyways i’ve been following the 1% rule for building a good habit. i wouldn’t as apprehensive as i were about my future if I just trusted the universe. i guess my trust issues are a lot deeper than i thought.


p.s. i’ve been watching HD music videos of MØ every night before I go to sleep and hope i could be inspired by this amazing wild and free girl..

i also started watching kuroko no basuke but i already finished all 75 episodes in 3 days. i’m glad i did it after exams i knew if i started i wouldn’t be able to stop lol.. im slowly getting to know myself better

sink or swim

November 11, 2015

lol im so fked i had no clue.. i did not know how big the oceans and how tall the mountains actually were until you actually had to go up to swim or climb it

bless me plz

early departure

October 29, 2015

i think i’m going to be graduating University earlier than expected.

i wanted to delay my graduation date because i had self-doubt. i know I haven’t mastered the art of learning to learn yet.

But not in an academic environment.

I’ve always hated the way school taught when I was child, teenager, and even now I still do. I also really don’t get the people in university. I tried to.. I really did. But I couldn’t. Feels like everyone is a square in Uni and I don’t mean the geometry kind lol.

It was never about the actual content that I needed to learn in the first place. It was the obstacles that I set for my heart and I feel like I just cleared the last hurdle.

I see a blank page for my next chapter and I’m ready to put my pen down.

dreams of ginger chocolate 7/10/2013

October 23, 2015

a dream where i don’t remember how or why i got fired and ended up in the homeless shelter. tons of flashbacks of muted yelling by my seniors and peers. every1 around me is a bum but i look down and im still me.

there’s this girl with unkempt orange hair. its so curly i think she might’ve accidently turned her mum into a bear and she has a beanie covering a part of her head and rest of her is just like.. i mean i was like she’s a hipster but then I remembered I was in a homeless shelter so she was really just a homeless bum. i think i love her.

then there was this dude sitting next to her chillin with both of their heads laying up against the wall. He was faded. His mouth kept moving. The words came out monotone and draaaged out. The stuff he said were so mundane. The orange hair girl just sat there and slowly nodding every minute. She was faded too. It was a silly and meaningless exchange. I was jealous of that guy.

did my sleep cycle move into the next stage cuz I couldn’t remember anything and now I’m suddenly working entry level at a supermarket. someone I know walks out of the confectionery aisle and starts complaining about my presence. The patrolling manager stumbles upon the incident and immediately fires me. My heart sinks. I start running for the exit and on the way I grab a big chocolate bar the size of my height. I jump over the counter and run up the pedestrian walk way of the busiest street with cars going back and forth.

The street was uphill. Not an important detail but for some reason it really stood out. I’m at the same homeless shelter before and I see the same orange hair girl and this time she’s sitting by herself. I ask her to come with me and we go around doing all sorts of stuff like riding the ferris wheel and as time passes the piece of chocolate gradually gets smaller and the day gets darker.

We’re both in this large field of grass with nothing in sight but visible horizons. She talks like the guy back from the homeless shelter that used to sit next to her but I listen anyways to the boring stuff like “yeaahh.. like… and… weelll…” but I notice the more I listen, her words are being pieced together more articulately. Whatever she was on, she forgot to take/smoke during our time spent together and she was slowly getting sober. Her consciousness returns and hits her in the heart. Suddenly, she remembered why she left all of it behind. Feelings of the real world slowly creeps back into her life. Feelings of jealousy, feelings of loneliness, feelings of anxiety, feelings of frustration etc. She is sobbing and looking frantically for her magical substance but we are in the middle of nowhere.

I understand and feel the same way but I can’t comfort her. We just sit together with our sides pressed as tightly closely as possible and I wake up realizing Autumn mornings are pretty cold and the blankets are pretty heavy resting on the sides of my body.

2013 unposted

October 23, 2015

These are a bunch of stuff I wrote back in 2013 or probably 2012 but never got a chance to publish.



sometimes its 4am and you’re tired and you’re wondering why you’re feeling reluctant to go to bed. the eyelids droops in a careless fashion but the conscious keeps the last tiny seap of light entering the eyes.

so i look up the internet and all those self-help websites are like you’re feeling lonely or you’re feeling depressed but that was 2am and it’s way past that.

the feeling is familiar because it happens almost every other day but you can’t associate it to anything else. you forget about it during the day.

took me a while but i realized i was scared of tomorrow. no prospects, no theme and no goals. it makes sense since sometimes during busy times i’m eager to fall asleep. but right now there’s nothing to look forward to.

so you stay up feeling anxious and slowly the sun comes up and the feeling disappears. literally a day has just passed and you kinda wonder if this is what it means when the present is already tomorrow and your mind still thinks it’s yesterday.

Run Revision


i’m studying for my finals because i want to get good marks. but sometimes it gets so stressful i just want to run. run away from my problems. so i get up and start running away from the desk piled up with scattered notes and open pages so i’m literally running away from (maths) problems. the mind blurs with the background in motion and when i finally stop running, i realize, that i’m now standing in front of the refrigerator. running away depends on where you’re running to

Story of #1


The story of number 1.

Number 1 always came in first since kindergarten. Zero the hero, first the worst the kids would say. Number 1 never agreed. He was number 1 after all and he knew, that after zero the hero and before second the ….. (maybe) legend(?), that first was actually a curse.

First in English, first in math, first in all the science subjects: chemistry, physics and biology. The kind admired Number 1 and the weak grew jealous. Number 1 always knew his place. He always came first after all.

It wasn’t until 5 years after Number 1’s marriage that everything changed. His wife died in an accident. His wife was a great professional racing driver. Always coming in first place. Although, Barack and Michelle were the official first couple, Number 1 and his wife were the people’s first couple.

Lying next to the covered and bandaged body of his wife, Number 1 sobbed for his wife’s death. “I love you and I wish you hadn’t gone first”, cried Number 1. Number 1 grabs the bible sitting on the nightstand feeling a connection. He says a prayer and realizes that he was never Number 1 in the first place. “I’m Number 1 but I will always be second to you, my dear Lord.”

christmas dream

October 23, 2015

I had a dream last night. It was not really about Christmas but it was about almost Christmas.

So I was at the North Pole. I was waiting in a line (to visit Santa Clause?) and there was this random. Randoms in dreams don’t have features and this one was just like that except I don’t understand why it was making me wear this high school uniform blazer and this fake white beard. I remembered that blazer was hot as hell but I wasn’t sure if it was hot in my dream or if it was because I still had 2 thick bed covers on even if it’s probably summer right now.

When I walked into the room, Santa Claus was really fat and had really big white beard just like every other Santa Claus. He was slouching in his couch in front of the TV in a white underwear and tank top with one hand holding his balls and the other one on a glass of milk resting on the coffee table.

I still remember at that time I thought it was the stupidest and most underwhelming thing I’ve ever seen. It was so stupid I started crying. I know I was crying because I woke up with tears flowing out of my eyes. Then I started laughing too because I couldn’t believe I was crying over something this stupid.

Then I went back to sleep but I didn’t dream of half naked Santa Claus anymore.

P.S. The night before I had dreams about black sesame dumplings. I really appreciate that I remember my dreams more vividly recently but I think that’s because of the warmer mornings of the season that’s giving away my deeper sleeps.


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