no seatbelts

July 26, 2016

i don’t feel safe and i think of jumping off from heights everyday. preferably somewhere with a large crowd so people can see. it would only be a second of attention and then they’d continue walking and minding their own busy lives.

i’m feeling anxious and i can’t tell where it’s coming from. i know i’m making it all up but it feels so real. it keeps me awake at night. it makes me want to cry. its so funny reading that two or three weeks ago i thought i was on top of the world when i had interviews lining up and thinking I could nail them without any preparations. i was so wrong.

— 3 min later i have this enlightening thought/moment —

i just found out i never daydream anymore. i never pretend i’m interviewing as a martial arts movie star guest on ellen and i never fantasize about meeting celebrity crushes anymore. my heart is caged inside the pessimistic side of real life and i need to throw it back into the clouds where it just floats around aimlessly but without worry.

I still don’t know how to live

July 21, 2016

I’m glad I wrote down my thoughts 7 months ago because 7 months later aka right now, I’m no where even near what I thought I’d be.

It was so hard. There were times I wanted to die and never to be reborn. Having all those expectations created an absolutely overwhelming experience and pressure.

I’ve changed. I even went on a rollercoaster ride.  I started thinking I was better than everyone else just because I was able to “see” differently or “see” things that others can’t see. Somewhere I knew I was wrong but I couldn’t change this way of thinking despite failing over and over and the results telling me that I’m truly a nobody. Now I know I’m just too stupid to understand and sympathize where other people came from.

I don’t know how to live and my writing sucks. Empower me please.

 

sydney adventures

June 30, 2016

I had the best time in Sydney!

  • I asked the person next to me for directions and since she was also going the same way, she paid for the fare because she said she could file it as company’s expense.
  • The reception working at the memorial was incredibly friendly and told me about Anzac and some history of WW1. The pool of reflection based on some French lake I wish I hadn’t forgotten the name and a powerful sculpture called the Sacrifice.
  • The state library had baggage storage
  • The building where I was going for an interview was also where my extremely kind talent advocate (or recruiter) was working at and I got to meet her in person for the first time! I mean, she is really really kind.
  • The interview didn’t go too poorly.
  • I ran around the CBD and it was a blast seeing the Sydney Opera  lol.

Anyways, hope I can move on to the next round although I’m sure it won’t be as fun.

a post about practice

June 3, 2016

This is going to be a boring post because it’ll be about adjustments that I need to make for learning and making progress, but it’ll be important.

There’s a still a lot a lot a lot more I want to do and sometimes I feel like I’m not getting there fast enough and my current efforts aren’t that productive. So here are some things I need to do in order to build good habits that I feel will make my process more effective.

Concentrate – this means really being focused. It’s like running faster and longer everytime you practice you just need to push yourself when you feel you’re completely out. Being focused will help me increase the capacity and duration of my mental abilities.

Not giving up – I don’t mean giving up on a project or a goal. I mean when I’m working on a particular question or task. Sometimes I’ll jump to the solutions too soon without really thinking about it. If I don’t practice how to navigate through difficulties, then I’ll never get good at it. You can do this by allocating yourself more time beforehand.

Challenging yourself – Like in terms of content and material. It’s similar to the above and I really get scared or anxious when I have to face problems I know are going to be tough. But this is the best way to get better and I think it really strengthens your mental toughness.

Good habits – Carefully reading and analyzing the question before I start to do the problem and checking/debugging the solution before blindly calling it final.

That’s it. These are currently the 4 things I need to focus on. I wish I could like sticky this. I also realized that what I just talked about was I think called deliberate practice.

Acid reflux

May 27, 2016

Not everything can be willed just like the acid reflux I got. There are certain constraints that can only be broke by specific factors such as time for my case. I couldn’t make it to the United States. I’ve read a story of someone who was in a more disadvantageous situation than me who actually succeeded in his dream to San Francisco from Canada.

My problem-solving skills was too weak. This isn’t something proportional to effort, but the time of deliberate practice. There were often times where I panicked in coding challenges that lead me to failing. I guess I’m also not cool enough, but even Damian Lilliard choked this year so being cool requires practice in itself.

My resume was too weak. This is proportional to effort, but effort takes time. And I didn’t have enough time to reconstruct my resume from scratch for my first job out of University.

Local candidates are favoured so now I have to make my move to a city with a larger tech scene in my country like Sydney. It’ll be my 2nd attempt at independence. I’ve grown a lot in terms of taking care of myself physically, but not emotionally nor mentally.

My plan right now is to find a job. My old standards for a job was insanely high pay and other tons of luxurious perks but I actually still left one last standard that I won’t give up and that is to make sure that the company’s culture will be a good fit for me. I’ll work and come back and continuously develop my technical and soft skills. This is the effort and the time that I talked about needing from the previous paragraphs.

Anyways, there’s not a lot of interesting things to say because all I talked about was my life. The real life that people are always talking about and living without knowing about it. If I can’t leave that one, at least let me decorate it the way I hope it to be.

a test of faith

March 28, 2016

This is it. This is where I get tested on the strength of my own personal faith. My faith in fate. Half a year ago when everything was going well for me, my motto was “everything will always work out in the end” because that’s what I believed what fate meant. But now when I’m unemployed and feeling down and all my job applications end up in rejection e-mails, can I really say the same thing I said before and can I say it like I mean it?

I think I secretly love the suffering though. Maybe it’s because I really do actually hate myself but I just haven’t been able to admit it yet. I’m a closet self-hater. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else use that term before so I’m coining it here right now.

The only thing I’m really worried about is the frequent occasions where I feel like I’m going insane. I know it’s from studying too much. I spend an entire day learning a week’s worth of material and when I go to bed I get these algorithm concepts spinning in my head. I see it in my head left and right. It is the most annoying thing in the world. It’s so bad I can’t even come up with a metaphor to compare it to because everything would be an understatement to how fucking annoying it really is.

Anyways, it’s 4am because I’ve been in bed almost 4 hours turning/rolling left and right, up and down, in and out, and probably even broke the 3rd dimension somewhere. I finally get up and find something to eat. A ketchup and mayonnaise sandwich and a mug of sort of hot water. The ketchup is kinda salty but the bread is called Pane Di Casa and I also chug it down with the sort of hot water like glug glug glug and ahhh… Maybe everything will work out in the end, I guess and hope.

a light at the end of the tunnel

March 18, 2016

I feel like I’m losing my mind.. It’s really only been like 1 to 2 weeks since I’ve started shotgunning my resume to every tech company on the west coast of the US. But it’s crazy seriously, I keep failing these coding tests and now I’m back in the rhythm of studying until my brain hurts.

I even know how to formulate a dynamic programming recurrence relation now. I remembered how to code up the longest increasing subsequence but then I forgot which day of the week it was. Seriously? If I ask someone who knows, what will they answer when I say “what is it all for”?

I also feel like this is the worst luck. I got this test about the Wilson theorem like yo am I really gonna be doing number theory for your social media company dude this is unreal. The other tests were like just about palindromes and anagrams.

I’m forgetting who I am. I don’t know how to act anymore. Sometimes I catch myself doing all this weird shit like man this isn’t how I used to be. I need to learn how to be polite to myself.

Anyways, I just realized how bad ranting is. I seriously need to keep this to a minimum lol. It feels good for the short while after but more than every once in a while it can too easily turn into a habit. Then you become a really annoying person to be with and I never want to be that.

What I need to do is be more careful. Everyday I just want to say please and thank you. Let me show the world my best effort and everything else that I can… please. Thank you.

 

Now or never

February 25, 2016

It’s been 2 months since my graduation. It’s also almost close to 2 months since I’ve written anything here and I feel like I don’t know how to do this at all. I hope it’ll be like riding a bike but I do feel like I’m becoming more and more boring as I get older. I know it’s definitely me but I also want to blame that it’s just this part of life is boring.

So what I mean by now or never is that I haven’t gotten a job yet. I actually haven’t even started applying yet. I did go back to China visit my family. They’re always super nice to me and I just didn’t know when my next opportunity would’ve been. Also, I ate lots of weird food like pig stomach (or intestine?) and cold jellyfish. I also got sick, twice. The doctor said it was an intestinal infection. My body weight fluctuated like it was a sinusoidal function.

Anyways, I really needed a trip like this one. I was just sitting at home and doing maths and computer homework all day. The change of scenery also helps with gaining a different perspective.

Now I just think I need to complete the Algorithms I course I enrolled on Coursera and I think I’ll be ready to apply.

New post same content

January 5, 2016

New year same life.

This post is going to suck. I know it because I feel obligated to write a new post just because it’s for a new year. I’ve learned that the process of anything done under compulsion hardly will be built on positive genuine efforts.

It almost didn’t matter to me because I live everyday the same way. I didn’t do a lookback to 2015 nor make any resolutions for 2016 like everyone else. I didn’t feel like it was a fresh start when the fireworks started lighting up (actually though I didn’t watch it any of it lol). I hope all this means I’m content and becoming better at living in the present and being more mindful about my consciousness.

Some weird stuff was going on too. I just felt like I could feel energy the of the whole world becoming more peaceful and quiet because of the holiday atmospheres. I thought I’ve reached this pseudoscience-like state of being where I could feel things others can’t. Of course I’m an idiot because I realized there are other places in the world that don’t have the opportunity to celebrate and the quietness comes from less traffic because people don’t have to commute to work.

It’s been one month and a little more since last time I had to go to University. I just feel free after graduating. I’ve actually been taking online courses, studying past materials, and reading a lot more. It’s so much fun. Everyday it’s this grateful feeling, but at the same time I’m also a little scared too because I think this mood is quite fragile and when I’m at my moments where I’m down I might not be able to fight through.

I guess I’ll just have to let tomorrow me worry about tomorrow problems. Yeah, I watched all 12 episodes of one punch man in one day.

since graduation

December 12, 2015

I’ve been studying a lot lately. I started on the day I finished my last exam. To prepare myself for the real world and the job that has yet to come. I really wish I could call it a professional hobby, but right now I think I should just concern myself with the part of making other people think I’m good enough for the job.

This is really a post for future references. Actually all my posts are. Later on when I have other things going on, I don’t want to forget right now, at the end of 2015, I’m having a hard time catching my breath whenever I concentrate too intensely reading this book on algorithms by Thomas Cormen. If I ever find myself living in California one day, it’s all thanks to you Mr. Cormen. (And James Altucher and Salman Khan and all the teachers from the online courses I’m enrolled in)

I know blood flows to your brain to deliver oxygen and maybe even glucose because I’m mentally exercising. But the way my entire physical state changes just seems a bit too extreme. Is my spiritual body aligned with my mental body and my physical body or are they all just trade-offs?

I just read the above and it has a totally different vibe from what I expected from myself. I need to remember to always leave some room for positivity.

 


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