A quote

March 19, 2015

“Encouragement is the best form of advice.”

Some words I pieced together. You know like all those famous people, except I’m not.

Year 2015 expectations

February 20, 2015

Felt like it was only yesterday people were asking me about plans for my New Year’s celebration and resolution but it’s actually the end of February AKA the second month of the year. I went to bed on the last day of 2014 like every other day. If it feels like, then it is. If I summarize what I’ve done for the past couple of months, there might be a list of small achievements here and there, but why do I feel like I’m still here?

I got some hopefully’s this year. Hopefully this time not only do I land an experience at a big and recognizable company, it also has to have tons of working perks and surrounded by nice and incredibly smart people.  Hopefully some of the mediocre-work and effort I’ve put into during the summer will help me along the way to pass those impossibly difficult interviews. During the way I won’t ask why because I know I won’t remember to but right now thinking about it I’m just wondering why and so what and what’s next?

A reminder for the rest of my life

January 29, 2015

Life is too hard. It is but sometimes you forget about it. I learned about this when I was job hunting for a summer internship.

Job hunting itself is a rollercoaster of emotion with two endings with one leading to a state of sense of security and the other to a sense of in-adequateness and even depression.

Through a series of rejection letters, I was now browsing porn on the internet. Naked girls and penis’s of other guys spread across my computer screen in an organised gallery and I zone out. The thumbnails blur out and that instant of understanding and relating to the feeling of desperation. Yes, at that moment when all hope feels lost I would’ve done it too and even for less. No doubt.

Sometimes life is too hard and I wish I could remember this for the rest of my life. I need it to remember not to get ahead of myself.

Should I have looked?

January 17, 2015

I usually sleep on the train. There was this one girl on the next row who kept on talking. She had a soft energy and her conversation partner didn’t respond much but she kept on talking. It was like a stream of consciousness flowing. She talked about everything and anything she felt like. The movie SAW, her friends and some other stuff. It’s crazy but at that time I wish I knew her and I could just sit there and listen to her talking to me like that everyday.

I don’t know why but I felt really affectionate about her energy. I can guess why but I can’t be sure. I guess it’s because she sounded kind of faded or even dumb and that means she wasn’t really thinking about what she was going to say There was a really thin filter or even none at all between the brain to the muscles controlling the tongue. I guess in a way it was actually a form of genuineness.

I make it my belief to avoid eye contact in public and never look at people. It’s my practice of minding my own business and staying away from your common person and avoiding being affected by their aura of average attitude. Honestly, I’m kind of feeling regretful at this point and I didn’t look but I’m not sure what the right thing to do. I have no idea what this girl or if he/she was even a girl looks like. I didn’t see what she wore or if she was fat or skinny or the colour of hair.

All I have now is an impression of energy. A character that intrigues me in my memory and that I’ll never be able to visualize.

Practice dying

January 17, 2015

I practice dying.

I think about everything I have. I try to think about the good things mostly, the things that I’m most grateful for or else this exercise just wouldn’t be as difficult. Except I don’t really have that much going on for me except for maybe a job prospect.

Then I put myself in a certain death situation. It could be in a fatal highway accident where I straight up hit towards an oncoming drunk driver from the opposite lane. Sometimes I replay 9/11 but with myself as a passenger. Or even being a serial killer victim. The details aren’t important except for the last second of your death needs to be as vivid and realistic as possible so you can confront your own emotions honestly…

What are your thoughts? How do you feel? Sometimes I feel scared. Most of the times I feel regret – but not for losing all the things that I have right now but for the things that I could’ve or would’ve if I were alive. I really don’t think dying is a tragic thing at all even without the opportunity of an afterlife such as heaven, but it’s difficult to have faith.

Don’t even need Murphy’s Law to know that dying is always imminent no matter where you are. Should I really be preparing for my death everyday? I don’t know. I just know I should become familiar with the process of dying which I believe is “letting go”. If I could just learn how to let go… I know I’d be free and maybe even just a little bit more courageous.

looking for a different tone

January 17, 2015

I used to write without punctuation and even try to ignore any spelling mistakes Kind of just trucking through the words and sentences. I used to do it this way because it really helped the flow of my writing. It just read really fluently because I wouldn’t lose my train of thought. So I kinda sacrificed ______ for fluency but good writers can keep both. That’s why it takes practice. I don’t mind that I suck. I’m just confused why I suddenly found this sudden change of need of wanting to write beautifully like all those hipster short story or poetry writing losers. It’s like I’m trying too hard… And now I’m scared because I’m changing and I don’t know why.

real life bus scene

December 22, 2014

interesting sights on the bus today… it was peak hour and thats when u see students, yuppies and other professionals commuting back to work. except not the place where i’m at. let me try my best to describe the scene.

there was a dude tripping on acid. he was so blazed. he could barely keep his eyes open and every stop would ask nobody if this was the stop that he was supposed to get off at. it rly felt like his conscious was turned off.

a dude with a service dog quietly freaking out at the people around him.

single moms with their kids asking why dogs can be on the bus.

i dunno why but i started laughing hard when i noticed these all these different characters around me all minding their own business and travelling to their own destinations… i hope they’re doing well because i’m glad that i’m having fun now and i’m getting to see.

hopefully i’ll also get to see more…

living my sleep deprived dream

December 17, 2014

i wake up at 5am and i get back at 7pm… then it’s dinner, random stuff and then its 10pm. I can’t keep awake past 10pm. 10am used to be early but if I go to sleep at this time now, I’m only getting 7 hours of sleep. It’s a big deal to me cuz I’m really hoping for something like 9.

But it’s ok because although sleep-deprived, I’m living my dream. Inside an air-conditioned cubicle, sitting in a chair that can turn into a recliner if I hold one of the leverages underneath. I have boosted my resume with this experience of mine and the company name. I have leveled up in this game of life. I shall go on and accept quests with higher difficulty and rewards. I guess sleeping on the train and bus is paying off pretty well. I mean I’m learning web development and stuff, I guess why am I still using WordPress then?

I can’t believe I’m starting to believe in myself again. I can’t believe I’m feeling ambitious. I used to let my fantasies get ahead of me. This time I won’t believe until I see. I will take advantage of the luck that has blessed me with a positive attitude and work hard while I feel uplifted because production reduces dramatically in a struggling environment.

Conclusion is I think I might be scared to die now that I have something.

citrus revenge

November 25, 2014

banana – “hi i’m banana, one of many of my people the bananas. i don’t have much to live for until i die and you can slice me into half and bury me next to the ice cream and make sure to cover me with chocolate sauce.

however, today is the start of the day where i must fulfill my new destiny to stop the oranges from taking over the world.”

moderation is key and the world lives in a balance of potassium and vitamin C.

vitamin c has always been water-soluble. this has allowed balance among the human’s body. but orange will make a difference.

orange -“dude. i’m going to change the world. how? i’m going to submit an article with a sensationalist title ‘top 10 shocking ways that vitamin c can change your body’. the article will go viral and everyone will eat so many oranges that banana demand will drop and no longer become a profitable commodity for farmers or supermarkets to sell.”

the time is clocking fast and hard at a constant rate. fortunately it is the weekend and buzzfeed editors only work on business days so banana has monday until orange’s plan come into fruition.

banana tried so hard and he tried so hard he almost started thinking he was a hollywood celebrity being interviewed on a late-night talk show. cuz u know those talentless losers always try to impress their audience/fans like they’re some kind of special snowflake.

but monday comes and over 6 figure unique visitors have already clicked on the article. bananas will soon become extinct. orange and his team are celebrating with champagne and wine but only a little bit because they want to be cautious in case they shift the balance of power to the grapes.

the world is becoming a place devoid of scurvy. the bananas have secluded themselves into a secret place to research to beat the oranges once and for all. they finally come up with a plan but here comes an intense dialogue between the lead banana researcher and the junior banana researchers.

junior – “It’ll never work! the new bananas are too chemical heavy in preservatives!”

lead – “We’ll have to take a leap of faith. We can’t be living our lives like this forever! plus i have an idea…”

so they ship the new improved bananas into the market. the bananas are in supermarkets with the same expensive prices but this time shoppers are starting to buy them in the bulk. the preservatives have helped extended the banana’s ripeness stage. it no longer has that sudden overripe effect. but the excess chemicals in the preservatives have started to accumulate in the consumers and slowly one by one humans are beginning to feel the side effect and die.

for some reason, the shoppers are still buying them despite all the warning signs. what has happened?

lead – “You can thank the banana marketing department! We put gluten-free labels on all the banana stickers!”

a different kind of high

November 22, 2014

this isn’t the same high as smoking weed. smoking that stuff heightens your senses but makes your brain dumb. you know what else is actually incredible similar. being sleepy and trying to stay awake. lol. u’re so tired and dumb and it just feels really high or was it because i used to be sleepy when i used to get high and now i’m associating it the two feeling together?

i have it… my dream summer job for the year but why do i still feel lost. anxious that i will behind my peers in a similar position and anxious that i won’t be able to show up for the job the way i want to. how does it feel to be a #1 draft pick then repeatedly being called a bust by everyone in the world? public eyes aren’t on me and the job hasn’t even started but i already feel demoralized by these thoughts.

did i say this before in my previous post? if i had a genie lamp, i’d wish for everything to be okay. but what does that even mean? i just want everything to be okay and everything to be fine. what would the genie do? i guess it rly depends on who the genie is then…

i noticed lately that everytime when i get stressed i bite or clench my jaws. i kno cuz my teeth gets this weird a lil fuzzy sensation the same kind that when you drink coca cola or pepsi. my jaws also kinda feel tired. what if i achieved a state of mind where nothing would ever cause stress and my motivation was no longer pushed by pressure or anything around me. but i would keep on doing harder than other ppl. in a futuristic yet feudal world, the one with the number one headband who kills and owns all subsequent numbers achieve god but in the real modern world, to achieve to god is to no longer feel because that means that means you are literally invincible from your own frame/perspective since nothing affects you anymore.


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