a billion reasons to quit

October 1, 2016

it’s just a job.

i thought it’d be more. i thought i would develop tangible skills and learn how the world works. instead I just do the same boring tasks that feels unfulfilling.

all this enthusiasm and effort to give but nowhere for me to express to.

a reasonably intelligent 16 year old can complete the tasks that are assigned to me. so in a world that is competitive and changing at an increasing pace, being in this job does not differentiate me from others at all.

also in terms of opportunity cost, I’m spending 8 to 9 hours a day in the office NOT contributing to my own personal development/growth. James Altucher is always telling everyone to choose themselves – I think that means having the ability to be self-sufficient and not having to rely on other people for your own happiness. I don’t really wish I would have to be in such a place where I’m really all on my own but it’s definitely something to consider.

i worked so hard to start a new chapter in my life instead everyone i work with is looking to settle and enjoying their paycheck.

i did learn how to become independent and other stuff like thinking about the whole system rather just the pieces separately but that was only because i put myself in that position.

i should but actually really need to quit when the 6 months is over

new place new life

September 4, 2016

I can’t describe nor explain it. Years of hoping and daydreaming and now it all happened so quickly I’ve never even noticed. This is the first time I really stopped and thought about it.

How it used to be? What was it like again? I can’t believe I already forgot…

What am I doing now? What should I hope and daydream about now?

So busy I don’t even know what I’m feeling. So occupied that I don’t have time to be mindful or be aware of my own emotions.

p.s. And my writing too. It totally sucks now and I seriously gotta get back to practice because there’s no one else for me to express to.

1 year ago

September 4, 2016

Depressed, lonely, and visiting the same websites over and over again wishing I was somewhere else doing something else.

I wanted to meet a girl but I did and it was at the train station just about 2 weeks ago. This girl was wearing this cool down-to-earth baggy boy-ish clothes. I only got to see her for a short period of time but maybe I’ll remember her forever. She had completely worn-out gray hoodie, worn-out jansport backpack, worn-out skate shoes. I wish I knew her. I wish I could show her who I am.

anyways I just wanted to remind myself of what life used to be like for me and compare it to where I am now. I think this is the first time i feel so stupid how fast time goes and how easy it is to miss out on things that mean to you


no seatbelts

July 26, 2016

i don’t feel safe and i think of jumping off from heights everyday. preferably somewhere with a large crowd so people can see. it would only be a second of attention and then they’d continue walking and minding their own busy lives.

i’m feeling anxious and i can’t tell where it’s coming from. i know i’m making it all up but it feels so real. it keeps me awake at night. it makes me want to cry. its so funny reading that two or three weeks ago i thought i was on top of the world when i had interviews lining up and thinking I could nail them without any preparations. i was so wrong.

— 3 min later i have this enlightening thought/moment —

i just found out i never daydream anymore. i never pretend i’m interviewing as a martial arts movie star guest on ellen and i never fantasize about meeting celebrity crushes anymore. my heart is caged inside the pessimistic side of real life and i need to throw it back into the clouds where it just floats around aimlessly but without worry.

I still don’t know how to live

July 21, 2016

I’m glad I wrote down my thoughts 7 months ago because 7 months later aka right now, I’m no where even near what I thought I’d be.

It was so hard. There were times I wanted to die and never to be reborn. Having all those expectations created an absolutely overwhelming experience and pressure.

I’ve changed. I even went on a rollercoaster ride.  I started thinking I was better than everyone else just because I was able to “see” differently or “see” things that others can’t see. Somewhere I knew I was wrong but I couldn’t change this way of thinking despite failing over and over and the results telling me that I’m truly a nobody. Now I know I’m just too stupid to understand and sympathize where other people came from.

I don’t know how to live and my writing sucks. Empower me please.


sydney adventures

June 30, 2016

I had the best time in Sydney!

  • I asked the person next to me for directions and since she was also going the same way, she paid for the fare because she said she could file it as company’s expense.
  • The reception working at the memorial was incredibly friendly and told me about Anzac and some history of WW1. The pool of reflection based on some French lake I wish I hadn’t forgotten the name and a powerful sculpture called the Sacrifice.
  • The state library had baggage storage
  • The building where I was going for an interview was also where my extremely kind talent advocate (or recruiter) was working at and I got to meet her in person for the first time! I mean, she is really really kind.
  • The interview didn’t go too poorly.
  • I ran around the CBD and it was a blast seeing the Sydney Opera  lol.

Anyways, hope I can move on to the next round although I’m sure it won’t be as fun.

a post about practice

June 3, 2016

This is going to be a boring post because it’ll be about adjustments that I need to make for learning and making progress, but it’ll be important.

There’s a still a lot a lot a lot more I want to do and sometimes I feel like I’m not getting there fast enough and my current efforts aren’t that productive. So here are some things I need to do in order to build good habits that I feel will make my process more effective.

Concentrate – this means really being focused. It’s like running faster and longer everytime you practice you just need to push yourself when you feel you’re completely out. Being focused will help me increase the capacity and duration of my mental abilities.

Not giving up – I don’t mean giving up on a project or a goal. I mean when I’m working on a particular question or task. Sometimes I’ll jump to the solutions too soon without really thinking about it. If I don’t practice how to navigate through difficulties, then I’ll never get good at it. You can do this by allocating yourself more time beforehand.

Challenging yourself – Like in terms of content and material. It’s similar to the above and I really get scared or anxious when I have to face problems I know are going to be tough. But this is the best way to get better and I think it really strengthens your mental toughness.

Good habits – Carefully reading and analyzing the question before I start to do the problem and checking/debugging the solution before blindly calling it final.

That’s it. These are currently the 4 things I need to focus on. I wish I could like sticky this. I also realized that what I just talked about was I think called deliberate practice.

Acid reflux

May 27, 2016

Not everything can be willed just like the acid reflux I got. There are certain constraints that can only be broke by specific factors such as time for my case. I couldn’t make it to the United States. I’ve read a story of someone who was in a more disadvantageous situation than me who actually succeeded in his dream to San Francisco from Canada.

My problem-solving skills was too weak. This isn’t something proportional to effort, but the time of deliberate practice. There were often times where I panicked in coding challenges that lead me to failing. I guess I’m also not cool enough, but even Damian Lilliard choked this year so being cool requires practice in itself.

My resume was too weak. This is proportional to effort, but effort takes time. And I didn’t have enough time to reconstruct my resume from scratch for my first job out of University.

Local candidates are favoured so now I have to make my move to a city with a larger tech scene in my country like Sydney. It’ll be my 2nd attempt at independence. I’ve grown a lot in terms of taking care of myself physically, but not emotionally nor mentally.

My plan right now is to find a job. My old standards for a job was insanely high pay and other tons of luxurious perks but I actually still left one last standard that I won’t give up and that is to make sure that the company’s culture will be a good fit for me. I’ll work and come back and continuously develop my technical and soft skills. This is the effort and the time that I talked about needing from the previous paragraphs.

Anyways, there’s not a lot of interesting things to say because all I talked about was my life. The real life that people are always talking about and living without knowing about it. If I can’t leave that one, at least let me decorate it the way I hope it to be.

a test of faith

March 28, 2016

This is it. This is where I get tested on the strength of my own personal faith. My faith in fate. Half a year ago when everything was going well for me, my motto was “everything will always work out in the end” because that’s what I believed what fate meant. But now when I’m unemployed and feeling down and all my job applications end up in rejection e-mails, can I really say the same thing I said before and can I say it like I mean it?

I think I secretly love the suffering though. Maybe it’s because I really do actually hate myself but I just haven’t been able to admit it yet. I’m a closet self-hater. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else use that term before so I’m coining it here right now.

The only thing I’m really worried about is the frequent occasions where I feel like I’m going insane. I know it’s from studying too much. I spend an entire day learning a week’s worth of material and when I go to bed I get these algorithm concepts spinning in my head. I see it in my head left and right. It is the most annoying thing in the world. It’s so bad I can’t even come up with a metaphor to compare it to because everything would be an understatement to how fucking annoying it really is.

Anyways, it’s 4am because I’ve been in bed almost 4 hours turning/rolling left and right, up and down, in and out, and probably even broke the 3rd dimension somewhere. I finally get up and find something to eat. A ketchup and mayonnaise sandwich and a mug of sort of hot water. The ketchup is kinda salty but the bread is called Pane Di Casa and I also chug it down with the sort of hot water like glug glug glug and ahhh… Maybe everything will work out in the end, I guess and hope.

a light at the end of the tunnel

March 18, 2016

I feel like I’m losing my mind.. It’s really only been like 1 to 2 weeks since I’ve started shotgunning my resume to every tech company on the west coast of the US. But it’s crazy seriously, I keep failing these coding tests and now I’m back in the rhythm of studying until my brain hurts.

I even know how to formulate a dynamic programming recurrence relation now. I remembered how to code up the longest increasing subsequence but then I forgot which day of the week it was. Seriously? If I ask someone who knows, what will they answer when I say “what is it all for”?

I also feel like this is the worst luck. I got this test about the Wilson theorem like yo am I really gonna be doing number theory for your social media company dude this is unreal. The other tests were like just about palindromes and anagrams.

I’m forgetting who I am. I don’t know how to act anymore. Sometimes I catch myself doing all this weird shit like man this isn’t how I used to be. I need to learn how to be polite to myself.

Anyways, I just realized how bad ranting is. I seriously need to keep this to a minimum lol. It feels good for the short while after but more than every once in a while it can too easily turn into a habit. Then you become a really annoying person to be with and I never want to be that.

What I need to do is be more careful. Everyday I just want to say please and thank you. Let me show the world my best effort and everything else that I can… please. Thank you.