a test of faith

March 28, 2016

This is it. This is where I get tested on the strength of my own personal faith. My faith in fate. Half a year ago when everything was going well for me, my motto was “everything will always work out in the end” because that’s what I believed what fate meant. But now when I’m unemployed and feeling down and all my job applications end up in rejection e-mails, can I really say the same thing I said before and can I say it like I mean it?

I think I secretly love the suffering though. Maybe it’s because I really do actually hate myself but I just haven’t been able to admit it yet. I’m a closet self-hater. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone else use that term before so I’m coining it here right now.

The only thing I’m really worried about is the frequent occasions where I feel like I’m going insane. I know it’s from studying too much. I spend an entire day learning a week’s worth of material and when I go to bed I get these algorithm concepts spinning in my head. I see it in my head left and right. It is the most annoying thing in the world. It’s so bad I can’t even come up with a metaphor to compare it to because everything would be an understatement to how fucking annoying it really is.

Anyways, it’s 4am because I’ve been in bed almost 4 hours turning/rolling left and right, up and down, in and out, and probably even broke the 3rd dimension somewhere. I finally get up and find something to eat. A ketchup and mayonnaise sandwich and a mug of sort of hot water. The ketchup is kinda salty but the bread is called Pane Di Casa and I also chug it down with the sort of hot water like glug glug glug and ahhh… Maybe everything will work out in the end, I guess and hope.

a light at the end of the tunnel

March 18, 2016

I feel like I’m losing my mind.. It’s really only been like 1 to 2 weeks since I’ve started shotgunning my resume to every tech company on the west coast of the US. But it’s crazy seriously, I keep failing these coding tests and now I’m back in the rhythm of studying until my brain hurts.

I even know how to formulate a dynamic programming recurrence relation now. I remembered how to code up the longest increasing subsequence but then I forgot which day of the week it was. Seriously? If I ask someone who knows, what will they answer when I say “what is it all for”?

I also feel like this is the worst luck. I got this test about the Wilson theorem like yo am I really gonna be doing number theory for your social media company dude this is unreal. The other tests were like just about palindromes and anagrams.

I’m forgetting who I am. I don’t know how to act anymore. Sometimes I catch myself doing all this weird shit like man this isn’t how I used to be. I need to learn how to be polite to myself.

Anyways, I just realized how bad ranting is. I seriously need to keep this to a minimum lol. It feels good for the short while after but more than every once in a while it can too easily turn into a habit. Then you become a really annoying person to be with and I never want to be that.

What I need to do is be more careful. Everyday I just want to say please and thank you. Let me show the world my best effort and everything else that I can… please. Thank you.

 

Now or never

February 25, 2016

It’s been 2 months since my graduation. It’s also almost close to 2 months since I’ve written anything here and I feel like I don’t know how to do this at all. I hope it’ll be like riding a bike but I do feel like I’m becoming more and more boring as I get older. I know it’s definitely me but I also want to blame that it’s just this part of life is boring.

So what I mean by now or never is that I haven’t gotten a job yet. I actually haven’t even started applying yet. I did go back to China visit my family. They’re always super nice to me and I just didn’t know when my next opportunity would’ve been. Also, I ate lots of weird food like pig stomach (or intestine?) and cold jellyfish. I also got sick, twice. The doctor said it was an intestinal infection. My body weight fluctuated like it was a sinusoidal function.

Anyways, I really needed a trip like this one. I was just sitting at home and doing maths and computer homework all day. The change of scenery also helps with gaining a different perspective.

Now I just think I need to complete the Algorithms I course I enrolled on Coursera and I think I’ll be ready to apply.

New post same content

January 5, 2016

New year same life.

This post is going to suck. I know it because I feel obligated to write a new post just because it’s for a new year. I’ve learned that the process of anything done under compulsion hardly will be built on positive genuine efforts.

It almost didn’t matter to me because I live everyday the same way. I didn’t do a lookback to 2015 nor make any resolutions for 2016 like everyone else. I didn’t feel like it was a fresh start when the fireworks started lighting up (actually though I didn’t watch it any of it lol). I hope all this means I’m content and becoming better at living in the present and being more mindful about my consciousness.

Some weird stuff was going on too. I just felt like I could feel energy the of the whole world becoming more peaceful and quiet because of the holiday atmospheres. I thought I’ve reached this pseudoscience-like state of being where I could feel things others can’t. Of course I’m an idiot because I realized there are other places in the world that don’t have the opportunity to celebrate and the quietness comes from less traffic because people don’t have to commute to work.

It’s been one month and a little more since last time I had to go to University. I just feel free after graduating. I’ve actually been taking online courses, studying past materials, and reading a lot more. It’s so much fun. Everyday it’s this grateful feeling, but at the same time I’m also a little scared too because I think this mood is quite fragile and when I’m at my moments where I’m down I might not be able to fight through.

I guess I’ll just have to let tomorrow me worry about tomorrow problems. Yeah, I watched all 12 episodes of one punch man in one day.

since graduation

December 12, 2015

I’ve been studying a lot lately. I started on the day I finished my last exam. To prepare myself for the real world and the job that has yet to come. I really wish I could call it a professional hobby, but right now I think I should just concern myself with the part of making other people think I’m good enough for the job.

This is really a post for future references. Actually all my posts are. Later on when I have other things going on, I don’t want to forget right now, at the end of 2015, I’m having a hard time catching my breath whenever I concentrate too intensely reading this book on algorithms by Thomas Cormen. If I ever find myself living in California one day, it’s all thanks to you Mr. Cormen. (And James Altucher and Salman Khan and all the teachers from the online courses I’m enrolled in)

I know blood flows to your brain to deliver oxygen and maybe even glucose because I’m mentally exercising. But the way my entire physical state changes just seems a bit too extreme. Is my spiritual body aligned with my mental body and my physical body or are they all just trade-offs?

I just read the above and it has a totally different vibe from what I expected from myself. I need to remember to always leave some room for positivity.

 

kaizen

December 10, 2015

Some improvements I’ve seen I’ve made the past month

– Take more time understanding the question before answering
– I’m able to see options and approaches I wouldn’t have seen before
– I’m more unwilling to jump to the solution if I struggle
– Take more liberties with how the solution should be answered
– A lot more cynical about what I read

All this is nice but I still suck. That’s okay but the worst part is I don’t feel like I’m who I used to be anymore. Change is scary. I need to take a huge dose of positivity asap.

a thought

December 4, 2015

I asked myself a question a couple of days ago.

Why do I try so hard?

 

Maybe, it’s because I believe in myself.

saved by a wish from a shooting star

December 4, 2015

its summer now

the temperature is a lot warmer and sometimes its harder to fall asleep but the night skies are lot clearer

so i open the curtains and lay in bed and stare outside into space and hope i could spot a shooting star and maybe a rock falling through our planet’s atmosphere could grant me a wish to take me somewhere i won’t remember the past or can’t anticipate the future

at least i’m not greedy though like b.oh.b and hayley williams that i’d pretend that airplanes were shooting stars. i don’t think that’s how it works too! that’s not even wishing, that’s just wishful thinking

anyways i’ve been following the 1% rule for building a good habit. i wouldn’t as apprehensive as i were about my future if I just trusted the universe. i guess my trust issues are a lot deeper than i thought.

 

p.s. i’ve been watching HD music videos of MØ every night before I go to sleep and hope i could be inspired by this amazing wild and free girl..

i also started watching kuroko no basuke but i already finished all 75 episodes in 3 days. i’m glad i did it after exams i knew if i started i wouldn’t be able to stop lol.. im slowly getting to know myself better

sink or swim

November 11, 2015

lol im so fked i had no clue.. i did not know how big the oceans and how tall the mountains actually were until you actually had to go up to swim or climb it

bless me plz

early departure

October 29, 2015

i think i’m going to be graduating University earlier than expected.

i wanted to delay my graduation date because i had self-doubt. i know I haven’t mastered the art of learning to learn yet.

But not in an academic environment.

I’ve always hated the way school taught when I was child, teenager, and even now I still do. I also really don’t get the people in university. I tried to.. I really did. But I couldn’t. Feels like everyone is a square in Uni and I don’t mean the geometry kind lol.

It was never about the actual content that I needed to learn in the first place. It was the obstacles that I set for my heart and I feel like I just cleared the last hurdle.

I see a blank page for my next chapter and I’m ready to put my pen down.


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