dream last night

July 25, 2015

I dreamt God sent me a message last night, in the form of an e-mail.

Ironically, the platform in which it was sent in wasn’t through the cloud.

Instead, it was a desktop e-mail application that I never installed in the first place with an UI interface from the 90’s.

So I clicked on the yellow flashing lights appearing on my bottom taskbar that lets me know I got new unread mail.

What I saw was 2 lines of 4 words.

.

.

“Fuck you,

Stop thinking.”

rest

July 24, 2015

when i sleep 12 hours a day, i feel like i can do anything

if only i could sleep 12 hours everyday

a soft(wa)er world parody

July 14, 2015

i wrote an algorithm last Sunday

it was meant to return the answer

to the meaning of this world,

.

.

but it takes one’s life as the parameter

first attempt at a haiku

July 10, 2015

i need 5 syllables, 7 syllables and 5 syllables to describe a fleeting moment involving nature according to the first definition popped up in the google search result for “haiku”

in front of the screen,

sitting still and smoking weed

c’est la vie i guess

heightened sense of self-awareness

July 9, 2015

Yes, I’ve been smoking weed lately. It’s more convenient to roll it but bong rips are way more satisfying and economic with the portions.

I never thought of being introspective because usually you’re too baked to even see straight. Most of the time I’m just eating candy and watching cartoon or anime because bright colours are just so pleasing when you’re high. How many adjectives can you use for describing someone under the influence of marijuana?

But my last session, I couldn’t get over how enlightened I was over my own emotions that time. The emotions were so subtle because they’re not expressed obviously through your body language like smiling for happiness. It was somewhere near the center of my chest, but I was able to identify how I felt, why I felt this way and within seconds (which felt like hours) I was able to reach a resolution.

My sense of anxiousness. My sense of worrying disguised as eagerness.

I was always thinking or nervous about something I should do in the future. The next thing on my list. Life is a list like the way Tender Branson mocks it in Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk. But it’s hard to realize the moment that is right now and all the worrying made my heart uneasy. I had to repeat to myself the limitations of ourselves and the environment. Like the last James Altucher post I received from his mailing list, a person just has to learn to surrender to the environment surrounding him or herself. (I forgot – was it because it was the only option or the best option?)

Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do. Resting AKA “doing nothing” is the best way to prepare for checking off the next item on the shitty list of life.

Why did I have to get high to come up with this?

 

 

(Comedic) Scene from any pothead movie

July 3, 2015

I wish I could write like scripts and stuff but this will have to do for now..

Bunch of potheads smoking weed together in some room

They’re doing their standard stuff like duuuude and woooahhhh and look at my hand bro its so weird

Some of them get their munchies on

One opens a chocolate bar and starts eating it

Second sees his friend eating the chocolate bar and says he was reading about an article of the health benefits of chocolate and can even be orgasmic at times

The chocolate bar dude hears this fact and starts freaking out and crying a bit. Like maybe goes something like this “oh my fucking god i don’t want to orgasm right now.” and now he thinks he’s jizzing in his pants and starts convulsing and crying all at the same time.

The audience laughs and the scene fades.

Laziness

May 27, 2015

Can I do it? When my parents leave me behind when they pass away, will I truly be able to live by myself alone? I mean taking care of myself in the physical aspect. That’s all I hope for because I know I’m already failing the emotional aspect even when they’re here.

I’m dying and my whole experience is killing me with my own laziness. One day I’ll in front of a computer or TV just because I ‘d be too lazy to even get to the fridge to make something to eat. How hard do I have to sin in sloth before my basic human survival instincts saves me?

All I do is complain lately, I guess in a way it sort of is like therapy. Also, I realized I never knew what the definition of therapy was – a disorder healing. I don’t really think it’s a disorder, but I do hope I get better soon.

A small life

May 25, 2015

I can count by the fingers of the things that bore me. I can’t see anything outside of school, basketball and computer games. The internet experience doesn’t count because there’s no emotion or lesson learnt.

I just realized the last time I read any sort of book besides a textbook was years ago. Why am I not good at all at using time?

Health and pain or Pain and health

May 21, 2015

Part 1 – Pain

I just suffered constipation for the first time in my life. At least that’s what the registered nurse called it when I described my symptoms over the phone. It felt more like a plead for a savior. It was really painful but I don’t know how to describe how.

I took 7 sachets of laxative powder but I still couldn’t go. I just needed a way out and my hopelessness isn’t even about the finals yet. My last resort was an enema. I would’ve never considered this alternative if I was sober. It was painful.

And above is the punchline of the entire post. I stuck something up my ass and squeezed a bunch of water solutions that research chemists developed in some sort of laboratory.

For the past year or two, I’ve been wishing for an adventure and a perspective-altering experience. Be careful for what you wish for I guess…

Part 2 – Health

Also my parents’ health have been deteriorating at a really fast rate. I’ve always told myself if I die, I die. But what if it’s someone that plays a big part in my life dies? Instead of giving up responsibility, I inherit additional responsibility. I’m not sure if I’m ready for a life of absolute independence since I have no one else.

Can I live like the way I want to live? Can I live the way others hope to live by?

I never thought I’d be afraid of flipping the page when reading a book…

A nobody

April 19, 2015

I would love to be a nobody in this world. Sort of like the sand that Bill and Ted threw when they jumped into the telephone booth to travel back time to kidnap Socrates for their school history project.

But I don’t want to a nobody in my own world and lately I think I’m becoming someone I don’t want to be. I’ve been feeling like an empty shell. Nothing to say. Nothing new. Nothing interesting. All I talk about is the stuff I learn at school and computer programming that I practice just so that I can get a job at a prestigious tech company. If I fail it’ll be the end of the world, but if I make it all I have is a nice-paying job which is sort of nice then… but what about my spiritual being?


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