a fake 2nd chance

November 6, 2017

i want to feel the feeling of not being afraid to die or lose. all the time.

so i went back to university for 1 more year. originally i wanted my goal was to rebrand myself as a top student by getting perfect grades in every subject so i can get better opportunities when i graduate. but i’ve realized that I can’t do that because i’m too slow and stupid and university is too hard for me.

but i’ve grown up. i’ve gotten a better idea of who i am and who i want to be and i don’t want any part of me to be determined or influenced by the superficiality of society. i want this to be about me. i want to measure my success by my own metrics and not by the grades that i score. did i live today better than i did yesterday? am i focused and did I take every single action as with the right attitude seriously as I should’ve (e.g. sleeping, giving up useless/negative activities)?

everyday’s a challenge and please let me judge myself by my efforts and worry about the results only to improve and show me where to direct my efforts to next time. compete and compare me, but only against yesterday’s me and not the people next to me.

eventually i hope and believe when i finally fill my spiritual cup, that positivity will be brimming and spill and radiate to the people around me. but really i also just want to cry and let myself go.

p.s. first time today i saw a IG stream recording of xxxtentacion and that man with no eyebrows looks so broken lol i’m nothing compared to him and he’s only 19

a table of contents for my future

January 16, 2017

i’ve finally gotten to see what the real life is. as opposed to sitting in front of the computer all day and daydreaming about what real life would be like. i’ve figured it all out and it’s pretty much just sleep+wakeup+eat+work. there are some people who hate it so much subtract work from the life equation. but then it longer equals living anymore.

what do I want to do? more importantly – what can I do? because i’m frustrated and disappointed everyday that there are so many questions I’m unable to answer to satisfactory and so many contributions that I’m unable to do.

right now my idea is just that – it’s too easy to do the things that the same people do everyday, it becomes cheap. people say you only live once so they go do things that treat themselves. i’m gonna say the opposite. the conclusion for a writing is when there’s nothing left to write. the end of a life is when there’s nothing left to give. i’m going to work/give so hard (side question: but for who and what?) and so much that when i die, i would literally feel too tired for any kind of emotion. too tired to regret. too tired to fear. too tired to be sad. but i would know, that I’ve given my all and that’s all that matters

 

 

a little Sydney visit pt 2

January 9, 2017

i got to live Sydney even if it were only for a couple of months. i did all the touristy stuff and i saw all kinds of new things but if only i knew and understood everything that i saw.

“they’re only tiles” – an interior designer flight passenger sitting next to me

I didn’t understand what she meant when she said this during our conversation like 20km up in the sky and above the clouds. it wasn’t until I walked closer to the Sydney opera house and noticed the ceiling of the marvelous architecture masterpiece were actually paved with cheap-looking bathroom tiles. it’s true because I started looking for the toilet afterwards but I also loved the water, harbour bridge, and the botanic garden next to it.

one thing that I enjoyed the most was since Sydney is a little blooming tech city, I would always go and explore the address of different tech companies such as Google, Palantir. after being lost for 45min running around the harbour looking for big rainbow letters, it turned out the Google office was just hidden in another Fairfax Building. I saw a glimpse of the beautiful Google Sydney office from outside the windows. i barely saw someone sitting inside the office leisurely. i bet he was thinking about design patterns and scalability and stuff like that whatever top software engineers think about during weekends. just why couldn’t the security guard just let me walk in and take a couple of pictures?

the adventures were fun. but my biggest takeaway was that most people don’t care or don’t even know that what it means to care. i’m saving this for another post because it seeing this attitude from everyone forced me to reflect on how I would like to and what it would mean for me to live life

 

society is an illusion

January 9, 2017

it’s finally over. i spent 4 months out in the real-world and nothing was real, everything was fake. there were a couple of things that made go like “oh really?” then there were things that made me go “I had no idea!”. sometimes I’d follow up with “that’s really cool” but there were times like “that is so lame”. I had no idea that most people were so boring they’d just live their lives and be like whatever.

so after this little experience, how would I want to answer “what do you want to do?” – I want to learn as much as possible about my life and this world. also meet brilliant people who change the world into a safer, educational and interesting place

a billion reasons to quit

October 1, 2016

it’s just a job.

i thought it’d be more. i thought i would develop tangible skills and learn how the world works. instead I just do the same boring tasks that feels unfulfilling.

all this enthusiasm and effort to give but nowhere for me to express to.

a reasonably intelligent 16 year old can complete the tasks that are assigned to me. so in a world that is competitive and changing at an increasing pace, being in this job does not differentiate me from others at all.

also in terms of opportunity cost, I’m spending 8 to 9 hours a day in the office NOT contributing to my own personal development/growth. James Altucher is always telling everyone to choose themselves – I think that means having the ability to be self-sufficient and not having to rely on other people for your own happiness. I don’t really wish I would have to be in such a place where I’m really all on my own but it’s definitely something to consider.

i worked so hard to start a new chapter in my life instead everyone i work with is looking to settle and enjoying their paycheck.

i did learn how to become independent and other stuff like thinking about the whole system rather just the pieces separately but that was only because i put myself in that position.

i should but actually really need to quit when the 6 months is over

new place new life

September 4, 2016

I can’t describe nor explain it. Years of hoping and daydreaming and now it all happened so quickly I’ve never even noticed. This is the first time I really stopped and thought about it.

How it used to be? What was it like again? I can’t believe I already forgot…

What am I doing now? What should I hope and daydream about now?

So busy I don’t even know what I’m feeling. So occupied that I don’t have time to be mindful or be aware of my own emotions.

p.s. And my writing too. It totally sucks now and I seriously gotta get back to practice because there’s no one else for me to express to.

1 year ago

September 4, 2016

Depressed, lonely, and visiting the same websites over and over again wishing I was somewhere else doing something else.

I wanted to meet a girl but I did and it was at the train station just about 2 weeks ago. This girl was wearing this cool down-to-earth baggy boy-ish clothes. I only got to see her for a short period of time but maybe I’ll remember her forever. She had completely worn-out gray hoodie, worn-out jansport backpack, worn-out skate shoes. I wish I knew her. I wish I could show her who I am.

anyways I just wanted to remind myself of what life used to be like for me and compare it to where I am now. I think this is the first time i feel so stupid how fast time goes and how easy it is to miss out on things that mean to you

 

no seatbelts

July 26, 2016

i don’t feel safe and i think of jumping off from heights everyday. preferably somewhere with a large crowd so people can see. it would only be a second of attention and then they’d continue walking and minding their own busy lives.

i’m feeling anxious and i can’t tell where it’s coming from. i know i’m making it all up but it feels so real. it keeps me awake at night. it makes me want to cry. its so funny reading that two or three weeks ago i thought i was on top of the world when i had interviews lining up and thinking I could nail them without any preparations. i was so wrong.

— 3 min later i have this enlightening thought/moment —

i just found out i never daydream anymore. i never pretend i’m interviewing as a martial arts movie star guest on ellen and i never fantasize about meeting celebrity crushes anymore. my heart is caged inside the pessimistic side of real life and i need to throw it back into the clouds where it just floats around aimlessly but without worry.

I still don’t know how to live

July 21, 2016

I’m glad I wrote down my thoughts 7 months ago because 7 months later aka right now, I’m no where even near what I thought I’d be.

It was so hard. There were times I wanted to die and never to be reborn. Having all those expectations created an absolutely overwhelming experience and pressure.

I’ve changed. I even went on a rollercoaster ride.  I started thinking I was better than everyone else just because I was able to “see” differently or “see” things that others can’t see. Somewhere I knew I was wrong but I couldn’t change this way of thinking despite failing over and over and the results telling me that I’m truly a nobody. Now I know I’m just too stupid to understand and sympathize where other people came from.

I don’t know how to live and my writing sucks. Empower me please.

 

sydney adventures

June 30, 2016

I had the best time in Sydney!

  • I asked the person next to me for directions and since she was also going the same way, she paid for the fare because she said she could file it as company’s expense.
  • The reception working at the memorial was incredibly friendly and told me about Anzac and some history of WW1. The pool of reflection based on some French lake I wish I hadn’t forgotten the name and a powerful sculpture called the Sacrifice.
  • The state library had baggage storage
  • The building where I was going for an interview was also where my extremely kind talent advocate (or recruiter) was working at and I got to meet her in person for the first time! I mean, she is really really kind.
  • The interview didn’t go too poorly.
  • I ran around the CBD and it was a blast seeing the Sydney Opera  lol.

Anyways, hope I can move on to the next round although I’m sure it won’t be as fun.