May 21, 2015
Part 1 – Pain
I just suffered constipation for the first time in my life. At least that’s what the registered nurse called it when I described my symptoms over the phone. It felt more like a plead for a savior. It was really painful but I don’t know how to describe how.
I took 7 sachets of laxative powder but I still couldn’t go. I just needed a way out and my hopelessness isn’t even about the finals yet. My last resort was an enema. I would’ve never considered this alternative if I was sober. It was painful.
And above is the punchline of the entire post. I stuck something up my ass and squeezed a bunch of water solutions that research chemists developed in some sort of laboratory.
For the past year or two, I’ve been wishing for an adventure and a perspective-altering experience. Be careful for what you wish for I guess…
Part 2 – Health
Also my parents’ health have been deteriorating at a really fast rate. I’ve always told myself if I die, I die. But what if it’s someone that plays a big part in my life dies? Instead of giving up responsibility, I inherit additional responsibility. I’m not sure if I’m ready for a life of absolute independence since I have no one else.
Can I live like the way I want to live? Can I live the way others hope to live by?
I never thought I’d be afraid of flipping the page when reading a book…
April 19, 2015
I would love to be a nobody in this world. Sort of like the sand that Bill and Ted threw when they jumped into the telephone booth to travel back time to kidnap Socrates for their school history project.
But I don’t want to a nobody in my own world and lately I think I’m becoming someone I don’t want to be. I’ve been feeling like an empty shell. Nothing to say. Nothing new. Nothing interesting. All I talk about is the stuff I learn at school and computer programming that I practice just so that I can get a job at a prestigious tech company. If I fail it’ll be the end of the world, but if I make it all I have is a nice-paying job which is sort of nice then… but what about my spiritual being?
April 1, 2015
If I’ve truly had nothing to say then there would just be no new post in the first place. I guess this is sort of like a filler. I’ve got a storyline but either production is slow or the story is being written along the way it is and I’ve got no material at the moment. I have been looking to make a new entry for a while but I’ve just had nothing to fill in so I’ll just drop some random thoughts below.
School is the same. I don’t think I’m making any progress. I wish I was as good as I want to be but I’m not. I have a little less than 1 and a half year left. I’m not sure if the glass of water is half full or half empty.
Winter is coming soon. I really like the colder temperature but it gets darker early and darker when it gets dark. Sometimes the air just feels depressing/lonely. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s really the atmosphere. I want to try at school but this is making me lose motivation.
I wish I could go visit a butterfly house or go on a beefarm/beekeeping tour and sample all sorts of cool honey. I really don’t know what is stopping me though…
Everything is a struggle. I’m starting to regret my decision to decline an offer from the company I interned this summer. If my original goal was the top of the mountain but half way to the destination, a haven of comfort and content reached out, would you stop and rest there? You could continue your journey to the top of the mountain again maybe in a couple of years but then the journey will be much more difficult if you’d just push through to the end.
I need to take deeper breaths.
March 19, 2015
“Encouragement is the best form of advice.”
Some words I pieced together. You know like all those famous people, except I’m not.
February 20, 2015
Felt like it was only yesterday people were asking me about plans for my New Year’s celebration and resolution but it’s actually the end of February AKA the second month of the year. I went to bed on the last day of 2014 like every other day. If it feels like, then it is. If I summarize what I’ve done for the past couple of months, there might be a list of small achievements here and there, but why do I feel like I’m still here?
I got some hopefully’s this year. Hopefully this time not only do I land an experience at a big and recognizable company, it also has to have tons of working perks and surrounded by nice and incredibly smart people. Hopefully some of the mediocre-work and effort I’ve put into during the summer will help me along the way to pass those impossibly difficult interviews. During the way I won’t ask why because I know I won’t remember to but right now thinking about it I’m just wondering why and so what and what’s next?
January 29, 2015
Life is too hard. It is but sometimes you forget about it. I learned about this when I was job hunting for a summer internship.
Job hunting itself is a rollercoaster of emotion with two endings with one leading to a state of sense of security and the other to a sense of in-adequateness and even depression.
Through a series of rejection letters, I was now browsing porn on the internet. Naked girls and penis’s of other guys spread across my computer screen in an organised gallery and I zone out. The thumbnails blur out and that instant of understanding and relating to the feeling of desperation. Yes, at that moment when all hope feels lost I would’ve done it too and even for less. No doubt.
Sometimes life is too hard and I wish I could remember this for the rest of my life. I need it to remember not to get ahead of myself.
January 17, 2015
I usually sleep on the train. There was this one girl on the next row who kept on talking. She had a soft energy and her conversation partner didn’t respond much but she kept on talking. It was like a stream of consciousness flowing. She talked about everything and anything she felt like. The movie SAW, her friends and some other stuff. It’s crazy but at that time I wish I knew her and I could just sit there and listen to her talking to me like that everyday.
I don’t know why but I felt really affectionate about her energy. I can guess why but I can’t be sure. I guess it’s because she sounded kind of faded or even dumb and that means she wasn’t really thinking about what she was going to say There was a really thin filter or even none at all between the brain to the muscles controlling the tongue. I guess in a way it was actually a form of genuineness.
I make it my belief to avoid eye contact in public and never look at people. It’s my practice of minding my own business and staying away from your common person and avoiding being affected by their aura of average attitude. Honestly, I’m kind of feeling regretful at this point and I didn’t look but I’m not sure what the right thing to do. I have no idea what this girl or if he/she was even a girl looks like. I didn’t see what she wore or if she was fat or skinny or the colour of hair.
All I have now is an impression of energy. A character that intrigues me in my memory and that I’ll never be able to visualize.
January 17, 2015
I practice dying.
I think about everything I have. I try to think about the good things mostly, the things that I’m most grateful for or else this exercise just wouldn’t be as difficult. Except I don’t really have that much going on for me except for maybe a job prospect.
Then I put myself in a certain death situation. It could be in a fatal highway accident where I straight up hit towards an oncoming drunk driver from the opposite lane. Sometimes I replay 9/11 but with myself as a passenger. Or even being a serial killer victim. The details aren’t important except for the last second of your death needs to be as vivid and realistic as possible so you can confront your own emotions honestly…
What are your thoughts? How do you feel? Sometimes I feel scared. Most of the times I feel regret – but not for losing all the things that I have right now but for the things that I could’ve or would’ve if I were alive. I really don’t think dying is a tragic thing at all even without the opportunity of an afterlife such as heaven, but it’s difficult to have faith.
Don’t even need Murphy’s Law to know that dying is always imminent no matter where you are. Should I really be preparing for my death everyday? I don’t know. I just know I should become familiar with the process of dying which I believe is “letting go”. If I could just learn how to let go… I know I’d be free and maybe even just a little bit more courageous.
January 17, 2015
I used to write without punctuation and even try to ignore any spelling mistakes Kind of just trucking through the words and sentences. I used to do it this way because it really helped the flow of my writing. It just read really fluently because I wouldn’t lose my train of thought. So I kinda sacrificed ______ for fluency but good writers can keep both. That’s why it takes practice. I don’t mind that I suck. I’m just confused why I suddenly found this sudden change of need of wanting to write beautifully like all those hipster short story or poetry writing losers. It’s like I’m trying too hard… And now I’m scared because I’m changing and I don’t know why.
December 22, 2014
interesting sights on the bus today… it was peak hour and thats when u see students, yuppies and other professionals commuting back to work. except not the place where i’m at. let me try my best to describe the scene.
there was a dude tripping on acid. he was so blazed. he could barely keep his eyes open and every stop would ask nobody if this was the stop that he was supposed to get off at. it rly felt like his conscious was turned off.
a dude with a service dog quietly freaking out at the people around him.
single moms with their kids asking why dogs can be on the bus.
i dunno why but i started laughing hard when i noticed these all these different characters around me all minding their own business and travelling to their own destinations… i hope they’re doing well because i’m glad that i’m having fun now and i’m getting to see.
hopefully i’ll also get to see more…